There and Back Again

The last two weeks have flown by so quickly, my head is in a whirl trying to catch up again. Or maybe that's the jet lag? Either way, my head is a little whirly.

At this time, two weeks ago, my little family ad I were boarding an airplane to fly to New York - to board another airplane to fly to Seoul, Korea - to board a final airplane to fly to Bangkok, Thailand. At which point, Tuesday night, 11pmish, we were greeted by my parents and whisked away in a car to Hua Hin where we spent the next 10 days enjoying tropical weather, good food, and wonderful company.

Then Saturday the 24th at 12:30am we reversed the whole process, managing to arrive back home by 3pm, still Saturday the 24th. Time is a funny thing.

It was so wonderful being home. And what I find most significant is that it was still home. Which reinforces the idea that home is not a place but a concept. I was able to walk into a house I've never seen before (except in pictures), live in a town I've never lived in before (although I've been there numerous times as a child as we frequently went to that particular town when we were going to the beach), and feel completely as if I had come home.

Granted, much of the furniture of the house was familiar to me (although not all), and the pictures on the walls reflected the childhoods of me and my siblings, and even the silverware and the dishes and yes even a few swim towels are all those I grew up with...and that all helps.

But it's the foods we ate (and the fruit--oh how I have missed Thai fruit--mangoes that melt in your mouth, bananas that have true flavor, som-o, papaya, guava, I must stop raving...), the language that surrounded me, the smells and even the weather that we were blessed with, all of it just felt right. I was finally home.

And now, as I sit here early in the morning, listening to my cottage girls getting ready for school, trying to wake my brain up entirely after a rough night with a little boy who hasn't managed jet lag well at all (its 11pm, let's play!!), and to find my rhythm again, and I find that here, too, I am home. But it is a different home.

It's the home that has been mine in 13 years of marriage; mine through work and tears and adult growth. And the foods are different, the sounds and smells not at all the same, but my home it still is.

And I am satisfied. 

Christmas Breathing

It's the smell I love the most. Spicy cinnamon with a hint of fir and nutmeg and snow all mixed in. And strings of white lights. And nativity scenes. And evergreen. And candles. Happiness.

We are well into the Christmas season around here. Right after Thanksgiving (and by "right after" I mean later in the afternoon when we had finished our feast), I started decorating for Christmas. Now, just for clarity sake, let me state this: I love to decorate for Christmas and generally do start decorating the weekend after Thanksgiving. I started Thanksgiving day itself because we had NO KIDS for Thanksgiving (well, other than my two monkeys), and we were going off duty Sunday night. So in order to ensure it was 100% finished (keeping in mind I'm decorating our little 500 sq ft in addition to our huge cottage) by Sunday, I started Thursday.

It was so much fun to have transformed the cottage before the girls got back from their various visits. The ooohs and aahhhs as they walked in were rather gratifying. And since the Christmas festivities on campus started by December 3, I really had to have everything done by the 1st. Because trying to decorate after the 1st would be a nightmare.

What is the Christmas season like as a houseparent? Busy. I know, I know. Christmas is a busy seasons, yadda yadda yadda. No, you don't understand. Take the already, normally, very busy lives of houseparents, and then add 19 types of parties in the span of 17 days. That kind of busy.

Christmas is the season when everybody wants to reach out and help those less fortunate than themselves. And who better to help than the children at the home? Which is great! But it means we get a rush of activity it is exhausting to keep up with.

It started with a Christmas party on Wednesday of last week. Friday was our open house for the cottage where the kids get to invite people from the community to the house and we get all sorts of visitors for several hours. It's a fun evening and the girls get really good at giving tours of the house and enjoying being hosts. Of course we were off, which meant that we really weren't off because things like that you still go out and do. It's just part of the job...because this isn't just a job. It's a lifestyle and a ministry.

Then Saturday was the beginning of the feast of parties. Two parties actually. Followed by another one on Sunday. Followed by one or two and, I believe three on one day, every day from then until about the 20th. (Yes, they are still in school during all this). One of those parties is a banquet in which the kids do much of the program, so add rehearsals into all that. Oh, and don't forget rehearsals for the church program.

For us houseparents, there is also decorating the campus, and all of our regular paperwork/medical work/newsletters/shopping, etc on top of all the parties. The one major blessing is that many of the evening parties will provide dinner for the children, which gives us a break from cooking (Hallelujah!).It's a never ending stream of celebration and pizza for several weeks. Fabulous and exhausting (and almost guaranteed, I will have one child stay home from school one of these days so tired she needs to sleep all day--I have my bets placed already on which one it will be!).

And then come December 21st it will all STOP. Abruptly. It's like slamming on the breaks of a runaway train. Many if not all of the kids will disperse to various places for the next few days/weeks. The campus will become so quiet. And we settle into the peace of a normal family Christmas (always with open places and hearts for those children who stay with us).

So back to the smell of cloves and cinnamon and spices....I have a basket sitting outside the door to my apartment which is filled to the brim of all good smells Christmasy. And every morning I take moment to just breathe in the smell and remind myself of the whys and wherefores of this season, in order to keep myself from stressing out from the extroversion and never-endingness of the next few weeks, and enable myself to cherish every busy moment as a reminder of peace and love and giving and celebration of the birth of the Baby who changed the world.

Thankfullness - 1000 Gifts July I

Apparently I wasn't very thankful for May or June. Not really, just so busy, writing at all was barely happening.

1. 3 Gifts Loved -

• A flower given in a farmer's market to brighten my little girl's day.
• Time to walk in the cool of the morning and seek some peace in the start of my day
• A sleep in morning and a rested day

2. 3 Gifts Read -

• A note from far away grandparents expressing love and wishes.
• Encouragement found in the words of praise from a gracious boss and leader.
• "Those who know your name trust in you,
      for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

3. A Gift in Faith, Family, Freedom -

• Thankful for the ability to worship openly with my family, to teach my children the love of Christ with no fear for of repercussions.

4. A Gift in Red, White, and Blue

5. 3 Gifts of Persistance

• The girl who was frightened of swimming now jumping in and refusing help in swimming.
• A child who was losing her voice in fear and anger beginning to speak up instead of run and hide.
• A little voice who demands attention and love and kisses--precious moments I'm glad were not lost.

6. 3 Gifts of Enthusiasm

• The man I love who runs and jumps and plays and swims with the children in our lives.
• The cheer of a 3 year old on accomplishing her goals
• Arms thrown around you in a hug of joy

7 Quick Takes (vol. 28)

#1 - One month old today. How in the world has it been a month since Baby Q was born? What happened to February? I'm serious, folks; I'm missing a month of my life!

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#2 - So in three days, my APs will be here for three weeks! Very, very excited. They've never been to our new home or seen our new job or any of this. Blueberry has been counting down the days with me for the last few weeks. She keeps talking about "Nana Papa fly airplane. Come see me. See my toys. See my room." Oh yes, this is going to be fun!

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 #3 -What is there to say?

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#4 -  Philosophical question: If someone has a vision or dream they see as coming from God, but that vision/dream clashes with another person's vision/dream they see as coming from God, how do you figure out who's vision is correct? And how do you explain to someone that they are so focused on their vision that they are in danger of losing the foundation for that vision because they're spending so much time focused on the future that they are failing to see what is happening now?

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#5 - My birthday was this week. Didn't do much for it; we were working and, as I told Chris, the bad thing about birthdays when you get older is that if you really want something for your birthday, you tend to have to do it yourself! I didn't want much....

Chris bought me a video game for my birthday. Now, this may not sound like much of a present, but as he explained it to me before showing me the game, it's about the experience. I will admit, I am an on-again/off-again gamer. I enjoy my share of video games; certain ones. But I can easily go months without picking up anything. I've been in a definite no-gaming mode lately, so when he said he had got me a game for my birthday, I was a little suspect. But it shows how much he knows me. He was right. This game, called Journey, really is an experience. The music is beautiful; the art work is beautiful. Its relatively simplistic in play, and really not very long at all, but incredible to play. Nothing really scary, but there are moments when you're completely tense. And it truly has one of the best endings of any game. Ever. It was a good present. He done good.

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#6 - Story of another present I recently received from my husband. For Valentine's day, he did a great job planning ahead. I did not. We got to Valentine's day this year, and I was like, "Oh, it's Valentine's Day. Um....I love you. That's as good as it gets today!" I thought he hadn't done a whole lot either, until I got a box of roses in the mail.

He ordered me 24 roses from ProFlower--which we've used in the past and normally is fantastic quality/service. Well, the only problem with the order (and the roses were gorgeous) was that only 12 roses came. And a vase. So he called the company and they wound up refunding a large part of the money and apologizing for screwing up his order. And hey, I still got 12 roses out of the deal.

Well, ProFlower has a 7-day warranty on their flowers. i.e. They will last at least 7 days before beginning to die. By day 3, my roses were already beginning to look a little sad. Day 5 I emailed the company to complain. They offered me a full refund or they would send a replacement order. I decided I wanted the flowers. And I had them schedule them to arrive on my birthday.

Well, imagine my surprise when I got the new flower box on my birthday and opened it up and discovered not 12, but 24 replacement roses inside! So for less than the price of 12 roses, we got 36 out of the deal. And these 24 are absolutely gorgeous quality.

Very happy with my Valentine's/Birthday roses!

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#7 - Epic parenting moment. My daughter. 7:30am Friday morning. Having eaten birthday-cake pancakes for breakfast, she helped to lick out the bowl for the actual birthday cake (not mine, one of the girl's--Reese's peanut butter cake with peanut butter frosting. I've been told it tasted fabulous. I have no idea because I couldn't eat any of it!).

The question is was this an Epic Fail or Epic Win parenting moment?!

January 2013

Resolved: (This particular resolution is in flux in terms of wording as it is going to need to change every month. The basic goal--to mindfully consider my roles in life and focus on how to best accomplish them). To continue/finish preparing myself mentally, physically (both myself and my house), and emotionally for this baby.

As of today, I think I'm getting there. Oh sure there is a never ending list of things to do, but I feel much more confident and prepared than I did even a week ago. And, frankly, I'm finally really feeling excited to meet this young man and see what he's going to bring to my life. Theoretically, by the end of this next shift (we just came back on duty--so Wednesday/Thursday of next week), the final, major physical touches will all be in place in our home...and everything else is just frosting.


Resolved: To work on a specific habit every month that I want to build into my life.

This month's habit is one that I physically need and that is simply drinking more water. I used to be great with how much water I drank, and over the last year, I've found myself struggling to keep this up. So, as I desperately need to be hydrated right now, this is my first habit to re-establish in my life.


Resolved: To work through our home over the course of the year and apply the principles of minimalism and decluttering that I've been devouring for the last few years.

Now, this month I'm giving myself somewhat of a break on this resolution, as I, frankly, have enough on my plate as it is. However, in preparing our home for the arrival of Baby Q, I did sort through Blueberry's room and get rid of a number of things that were simply taking up space. It wasn't necessarily as purposeful as I would like to get, but at this point, I count it a win for the month!


Resolved: To continue to pay off any and all debt that we have accumulated, and not to accumulate any more. The goal is by the end of the year to have paid off a number of little bills that have piled up (thank you health related issues) and new babies...as well as get Chris' second, small student loan paid off.

This month--We paid the last (by faith I state this) of all baby-related fees and so can welcome Baby Q into our home without any unresolved debt related to his birth.


Resolved: To read through some books in a purposeful manner this year. Monthly, I have a goal of the following four items:
1. Faithfully follow a devotional of some sort. I have actually taken on two (in addition to my regular scripture reading). Glimpses of Grace which is a compilation of Madeline L'Engle's writings put into daily, snippet format. As she is frequently an author I find myself turning to for snatches of spiritual inspiration, I've been enjoying reading this. In addition, I have been reading Beth Moore's book, Praying God's Word. I'm enjoying how she literally is dealing with various topics in a prayer format, just applying direct scripture. So far, so good. I list it with this because I want some accountability in this aspect of my reading this year.  I enjoy the enrichment of books in addition to basic scripture, but I do have a tendency to sputter out part way through.

2. Fiction Re-Read: Because I'm always seeking my comfort books. But I'm trying to limit my comfort zone a little bit. This month (well, it started in December), I reread the Hunger Games trilogy. Just finished Mockingjay. Really is a fascinating story.

3. Non-Fiction New: Birthing from Within: An Extra-Ordinary Guide to Childbirth Preparation by Pam England. This was a book lent to me by my midwife, and I've really enjoyed it. She uses a lot of art forms (written and visual) to teach birth preparation classes. Although I didn't really participate in the actual activities themselves, I enjoyed the perspective she provided (which I found to be very balanced--refreshing) and insightful in many ways.

4. Other New: This can be a fiction book or a nonfiction, depending on what is interesting me at the moment. This book is being decided on as I type. So no news there.

As far as I'm concerned, any other reading is just bonus :) 

Note: This particular post will normally be a little later in the month. But this was all on my brain, and so I decided to go ahead and share here and get it out of my brain and into action. Perhaps I shall do a January 2013 Part II post later. Or perhaps I shall just be buried in baby mooning and shall leave you hanging until the end of February.

Oh Me, Oh My

I fear I am a woman of contradictions.

I want to be efficient, but my perfectionism stops me from accomplishing efficiency because being efficient doesn't necessarily equal being perfect.

I feel lonely and depressed when I'm on my own and have had no contact with anyone (thus feeling like no one cares), but I also procrastinate on contacting others, and I crave alone time and get irritable when I don't have enough.

I desire a simple life and fill it up with bits and bobs and clutter and things.

I get overwhelmed and need help, but then don't take help when it is offered.

I seek to save but wind up spending.

I establish a Plan, and then I turn around and do something else entirely.

I love and respect my husband deeply, but find myself criticizing those very things that are essential elements of who he is.

I want my daughter to grow up to be herself, but I want her to fit into routines and structures that don't necessarily match her.

I know meal planning ahead of time would save me time and work, but I can't find the energy to create the menus.

I try to be wonder woman (or maybe the Proverbs 31 woman), but I get overwhelmed when I do to much and feel I succeed at nothing.

I desire a sunny day and stay inside in the shade when I get it.

I seek to be a good friend and then fail to do things that a good friend would do.

I want to exercise more because I know I feel better if I do, but I sit as my chair is so comfy and relaxing.

I try to live up to everyone else's expectations (or what I see as their expectations), and find that I'm not even living up to my own.

I think life in bygone days seems idyllic and so much better than the fast paced world of today, and I then I grumble over my microwave taking 5 minutes to heat up my lunch.

I want to eat more healthily and instead make chocolate pudding.

I plan and dream and scheme for what to do in the future and the present slides away from me.

The Feminist Movement...

has done me no favors the last few months.

The initial feminist movement (I believe it is normally referred to as the "first wave"), I have no problem with. The fight for political equality and voting rights, etc I'm all in favor of. There are even a few of the ideals that were fought during the second wave that I don't have any beef with. However, there are other portions of that wave (and basically the entirety of the third wave) that continue to show up and play havoc in society that really infuriate me.

For example, the emasculation of men. Excuse me for being old-fashioned, but I like a man who will offer to carry my heavy bags, open doors, and watch his language in front of me. I don't mind being considered "the weaker sex" because, in reality, any man with half a brain recognizes and values the work and abilities that the majority of women bring to their worlds. And those men who are lacking that half of the brain, well, I hate to say it but the feminist movement will never be able to eradicate certain attitudes--no matter how hard they scream and rant.

Then there's the denigration of the housewife and stay-at-home moms--because obviously a woman without a career is worthless. And then, of course, there is the whole abortion issues--which I won't even begin to rant about at this particular time (got to keep the blood pressure down!).

And although I have felt strongly about many of these issues and have seen the impact they have had on our society for years, it has been the last five months of being pregnant in which I have really begun to be irritated with the actual effects of these philosophies. When I sit at my computer at work, craving a nap, and go home barely able to do anything in the evenings because of how tired I am, and then be at home on the weekends and crash and find my to-do list growing longer by the day and my "done" list not increasing as quickly as I would prefer because I'm so exhausted from having worked all week, I'm tempted to find every feminist I can and give them all a good shaking, yelling at them the whole time, "You have helped cause this!"

We live in a society in which the cost of living makes it more and more difficult, every day, for women to stay home. And the rapidly rising costs of health care and the threats of government for jail-time for those who don't pay for health care, is complicating matters even more. And the thought of day care and someone else raising my Blueberry while I become a half-parent just so I can move up the corporate ladder and become a "success" simply turns my stomach.

And since when did "choice" get turned into "believe only in what I tell you to believe otherwise you're ignorant, racist, sexist, etc and are playing into the hands of the male population"?

Just my rant for the day.

Apparently I need a nap.

Salt in a Wound

Have you ever had a cut or bruise where you just keep bumping or reopening it? You know, the paper cut that you just keep catching on something or the bruise that gets bigger because you just had to catch the same corner on your desk again (or in my case, again, again, and again because off of a dance floor, I'm a total klutz).

That's how I feel right now. Ever since we had our miscarriage three months ago, that wound just keeps getting reopened. First I find out that friends of mine are pregnant and I have to deal with the simultaneous joy for them and jealous and sorrow. Then I get to a point where I truly am just happy for them, and they have a miscarriage. And every time I hear that news, it breaks my heart again. Some of it is that I truly can empathize with them, but some of it is just that it's too close to my own pain right now and it reopens all those feelings and thoughts for me that were scabbing over.

How often can this happen? Apparently a lot. And really close together.

And then there's a side of me that just gets angry as I look at one woman I know who is pregnant and doing fine and has been very vocal about the fact that she didn't even want to have another baby. Or the kid who's been mowing our lawn trying to earn money to help support his very young, very pregnant girl who he knocked up.

Salt in the wound.

7 Quick Takes Friday (vol. 9)

#1 - Why is it that no matter how long or nice of a vacation you've had, you always go back to work feeling tired? Or maybe that's just me? Either way, it's been a long week at work. And I feel like I want another vacation!

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#2 - In a previous post, I had mentioned laughing at the people on the plane who were sharing their entire life stories in far too much intimate detail with complete strangers. To quote myself, I said, "They don't seem to realize the small, small world of airport." I had further proof of that fact on my trip back home.

First of all, I'm sitting in the airport in Washington, innocently reading a book, waiting for my flight, and a couple of Asian ladies sit down next to me. They quickly start gabbing away in Thai, so after eavesdropping for a couple of minutes, I decided I should let them know that their conversation was not quite as private as they thought it was (they were speaking really loud!), so I leaned over and introduced myself--in Thai. Thought the younger lady would fall out of her chair, she was so startled!

We had a nice little chat, and then after awhile, I settled back into my book.

Well, after a few minutes, I look up and there's this guy standing relatively close by, waving at me. I looked at him, puzzled, for a minute before it dawned on me that I did know this person. He is my husband's new boss (and incidentally, he used to be the head of the program for missionary kids with our mission, so I know him from way, way back as well). Well, not only were we in the same airport, but we had the exact same two flights back to Missouri.

So let me reiterate the sentiment of my previous comment--you have no idea who you might run into in an airport!

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#3 - If you haven't yet seen this article on the squirrel/gopher/disturbed rodent picture crashing, you should do so. I found it highly amusing.

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#4 - I've been intending to mention for awhile now, a delightful way of getting rid of books you don't want anymore. No, it's not burning them. Put the matches down.

My experience with books has been a frustrating one. I love books (if you haven't figured that out yet, you're obviously a new reader to my blog). That has resulted in my having a (rather large) book collection. Now while I'm very protective of the books I love, there are other books that wind up in our collection that I really don't want to keep. But the question then comes--how do I get rid of them?

In the past I've explored various options: giving them to people who want them (sometimes hard to find depending on the book), putting them in with stuff for a thrift store, or selling them to used bookstores. Now, the used bookstores option has not gone well for me. Frankly, they don't give hardly anything for books! And I know they sell them cheaply, but seriously, my book is worth more than a quarter!

Then I discovered a free website called Paper Book Swap. I'm in love with it! You can post books that you want to get rid of on the website, and as other people want those books, they can request them from you. You pay the shipping to send the book to them; however, for every book you sent, you get a "credit" in which you can then order more books for yourself! Essentially, you wind up paying between $2.50 - $3 per book you get (postage costs), but as the website requests that they are decent condition, etc, it's winds up being a good deal. They have a HUGE variety of books, and they also have DVDs and CDs (although I haven't explored that option yet).

So, this is my endorsement of their website!

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#5 - So I was in a chapel service at work (a Christian university with our primary degrees all along the lines of biblical studies, etc) the other day, singing a worship song, and I discovered the most amazing piece of information that I thought would be important to share with all of you. Did you know that King David built the temple in Jerusalem? Yeah, I didn't know that either! Amazing, isn't it?

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#6 - While I'm on the topic of worship songs...is it just me or do most of the more modern (past 10 years or so) choruses nowadays seem to spend a lot of time focusing on warm fuzzies and ignoring topics like discipline, sacrifice, and all the other tricky things that Jesus spent a lot of time actually addressing?

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#7 - I was recently sent a forward with a whole bunch of news clippings/police reports some of which I found hysterically funny. I just had to share a couple of my favorites here because, frankly, they're worth it!

Airport Ramblings part II

When Chris took me to the airport yesterday, we had the fun of going to the new Springfield-Branson Regional airport. I hadn’t seen it yet. It really is a lovely design; well laid out in a basic square maze pattern. Keep turning right and you’ll end up where you started. That’s why we had to laugh when the announcement came over the intercom that if anybody was confused about where to go in the brand new terminal, please just ask for help. If you couldn’t find your way around that terminal, you shouldn’t be flying. Because wherever you fly from there, you’re going to be going to a bigger terminal. And that would frighten to death anybody if they couldn’t handle Springfield’s cute little airport!

I had an interesting time. After Chris and I said goodbye, I went through security and settled down at my gate waiting to board. About five minutes before we boarded, a cop came by with an airport security guard. They were looking for Mr. Hxxxx, and thoroughly checked the id of every guy in that area. Little creepy. They never found him; I’m just hoping that Mr. Hxxxx didn’t somehow make it on the plane, as they didn’t seem like they were planning on having a nice little chat with him.

I had the unusual delight of getting the front row seat in the little airplane. Extra leg room! Yay! And not only a front seat, but an entire row to myself! Miraculous!

Apparently my tendency to look far younger than I am had the stewardess all sympathetic with me, so she took very good care of me the entire flight. I didn’t bother to tell her that I had, as she was quite young, probably flown more times in my life than she has!

As I sat sipping some water (thank goodness that’s still free), and looking out the window at the beautiful sunset pouring out over the clouds below me, I was amused to hear the confidences of the complete strangers surrounding me. What is it about airplanes that cause some people to just spill their life stories to complete strangers? In one particular case, it was very intimate details being shared!

Is it the belief that they’re never going to see these people again? Silly rabbits. They don’t seem to realize the small, small world of airports.

Is it simply nerves? Or is that they’ve simply failed to pack something to do, not realizing how boring a small cross-country flight can be without any in-flight movies or meals to occupy ones mind? Or are they just very lonely people with a captive audience? A cynical thought, I know, but still…..one has to wonder.

Airplane Ramblings

The humming of the engine around me, the muffled buzz of people’s voices behind me, the scraping of the ice, popping open of soda cans, and the repetitious inquiry of the stewardess as she asks what people want to drink are all sounds that bring back thousands of memories to me.

I feel like my whole life can be defined by airports and airplanes. And here I sit again, on a airplane, on my way to Washington state to see my parents whom I haven’t seen in one year and eight months (not that I’ve counted or anything!).

As we took off, the song that has been with me in travel since I was at least 16 years old, “Leaving on a Jet Plane” was playing in my head. I found out recently that the composer of that song was a TCK. That made a lot of sense to me. Despite the sad mood of the words, “Leaving and I don’t know when I’ll be back again” there has always been a simultaneous uplift to me with those words. Leaving all I know, all that is familiar, going to the unknown. And is the unknown really that bad? Not always.

There are times when the words of that song have about broken my heart. Particularly, leaving Thailand when I was 18 to come back to the USA for college, splitting up with my friends, my life, my home, my parents, everything that I had ever known. Those were the words that kept running through my mind over and over and over again.

But those same words have haunted me consistently since that time. Sometimes in a joyful way—finally, leaving, going somewhere, getting out of the black hole that is my crazy current home—and sometimes in a sad way—leaving family, again, leaving a country or place that my heart still longs for very often—and sometimes those words are simply bittersweet.

Today they’re on the bittersweet side. The delicious taste of going back to one, sort of, home, seeing my parents, at least one good childhood friend of mine, even hitting a town that, while not necessarily somewhere I define as home at least has the attraction of holding childhood memories and experiences.

The bitter side is that I travel alone. My dear husband couldn’t come with me on this trip; the downfall of being grown up, I guess. He has a new job and between that and complications with tickets and money, we decided it was the wiser (I hate that word sometimes) decision for me to go on my own. And so I left him today, but I’ll be back in just over a week. And in the meantime, I plan to relish getting away. Not from him, but from our town, from the humdrum life that sometimes wants to drive me insane.

I still find it difficult to believe that I have lived in the same town for ten years. I find it even more difficult to believe that I have lived in the same house for five of those years. There are days when I feel like my restlessness is going to overpower me. Can’t I just pack up what we need, sell everything else, move to another city, another country, heck, I’d even take another county!

Don’t get me wrong. I love my house. I even like our town; it has it’s advantages. But I’m restless, and I find that restlessness grows all the time. As we talk more and more about moving away, settling somewhere else (probably not overseas—yet—but at least away from where we are), I realize how much I want that. It’s not that I relish selling our beautiful home or having to find new jobs, new friends, new habits, new lives. But I feel stagnant.

I blame my parents! How old was I when we first went overseas? How old was I when I took my first plane trip? How old was I when I took my first major driving trip, for that matter.

I was just a months old when we drove from Washington state, down through California, to the Grand Canyon, through Missouri, and Texas.

I was a few years when we flew to England for the first time to see my grandparents.

And I was three when we flew to Thailand and settled down to the country, the culture, and the life that would become my home for the next, more or less, 18 years.

And throughout those 18 years, we traveled. I was talking to a younger MK the other day, and she asked me how many places I’d lived. Truthfully, countries, I’ve only lived in two (unless you count two months in Uzbekistan studying dance as living there)—Thailand and the USA. But then of course there is the land of my mother, England. And that country holds a great deal of my heart even though we’ve technically only visited there.

Beyond that, I’ve been to 17 other countries (been being defined as having actually spent at least a day there—technically I’ve been to the Arab Emirates and Amsterdam to name just two other countries, but as I’ve never really gone outside of the airport, they don’t count.

It’s no wonder I have wander lust. It’s no wonder that even after ten years, I still don’t feel settled in our little town. It’s no wonder I sometimes get the urge to grab a plane ticket and just fly to somewhere, anywhere. Pick a country, I’ll go. It’s no wonder I’m obsessive about making sure my passport is up to date.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s just part of who I am. I’m a homebody. But I’m a wanderer. And if that’s not truly oxymoron, I don’t know what is.

Questions?

How is it possible that one can hurt so much for that which has never been seen?

Why can an existance of miniscule proportions create such a huge hole in the fabric of my life?

Am I simply mourning a dream?

Will I always be haunted by the fears that my tired brain cannot censor away?

Will life ever be as it was?

Would I have given this up if it meant not knowing this pain?

To the last one, at least, I have an answer: No.

Turning Point

I just finished watching the movie, The Turning Point. While I think I may have seen it once before, years ago, I really didn't rememember much about it. I'm glad I watched it tonight though.

For those who have never seen the movie, it was made in the '70s (and is a definite product of that age - in terms of looks!). Beautiful dancing (Michael Baryshnikov is in it--a very young Baryshnikov, I might add!) However, the essential story is a struggle between two women in their late-30's, early-40's. Both women danced together in the ABC (American Ballet Company), and both were highly talented. One, however, gave up dancing so that she could raise a family. The other went on to be a prima ballerina. In the movie, they have met back up again as the prima's career is dying and the women who gave up her dancing is struggling with coming to terms with self-doubt over whether or not she made the right decision to give up her chance as a prima over having a family.

Some of the themes strongly resonated with me as they are issues with which I've struggling the last ten years, and especially ever since last fall when I had to make the decision about taking the position at the ballet studio in town. On the one hand is the recognition of the prima ballerina that the dance world is an all-consuming one. And unless you're willing to sacrifice much for it, you will never get very far. On the other hand is a woman with talent who never felt like that talent was given the recognition it deserved--instead she has had a "normal" life, and part of her resents that fact. And part of her just misses dancing.

All of these are things I have dealt with at some time or another in the last 10 years.

The truth of the matter is, I miss dancing. I miss ballet. I need to dance; part of me feels as if it's been lost when I haven't been dancing as I used to. But then there's another part of me that has me shying away from that world. And I haven't been able to determine why or what's wrong.

This movie kind of helped me see something more clearly than I've been able to up until now.

As much as I loved performing when I was younger, the truth of the matter is that performing is not what I want. Not really. I want to dance for the love of it. There is an indescribable passion that I feel as I dance that I get rarely from anything else in life. But it's not the stage that draws me. When I was in college, I started out as a drama major. And I realized, after a year, that while I enjoy performing, I didn't be a drama major. It was the love of the language and emotion that drew me to drama, not performing.

While I've had so many opportunities in my life to perform both in secular and in Christian circles, and I don't regret a single one of those, I don't want that world. Don't interpret that as not missing that world. In some ways I truly do. But there is a part of existence in that world that I don't want. Never wanted. Never liked. You can't have the world of performance without the grimy, political, competitive portion that goes hand in hand with the beautiful aspects. And for me, the grit and dirt often outweighed the beauty.

And the truth of the matter is that every time I've existed in that world, be it in a "Christian" form or non-christian, the gritty side has always been there. I guess it's part and parcel of being human. I knew when I was about 18 or 19 that while performing in a regular company would be amazing, if I was going to perform, I wanted to perform for Christ and as a witness. The opportunities I got during those years were wonderful. And I was able to do just that. But even then there was always that black side that it seems is so impossible to escape in the world of dance. The competition. The ugliness. Even amongst so-called Christian people, it was there. And what they did was beautiful. But I didn't like the hidden part of it. The side that no one sees outside of the backstage and dressing rooms.

I hope that I'm not entirely done with dance; I will always have to dance for myself. But I think God has needed me come to this place of (a) longing to dance again and (b) clear recognition of what I don't want. Even if I had stepped into the position that came open last fall, it would have been stepping into a consuming whirlpool in which it is difficult to keep one's head above the water if you don't really know what it is you want. And the truth is, I don't know what I want right now (and I say that not just in terms of dance but in relation to a number of aspects of my life). I do, however, know what I do not want. And at least that is a step in the right direction.

Boundaries Part 7

The last section of Boundaries is on actually how to develop good boundaries. There were a couple of points that really stood out to me in this area (well, truthfully, the whole book is really good!).


1. The first quote I've going to give you below is one that just made me laugh. Ever since I'm been on this whole life-changing, gluten free thing, I've had a lot of people talking to me about how I'm able to just give up so much. And I've had something reinforced for me that seems very basic but a lot of people don't really seem to recognize the truth behind it. To change, you have to really want it. Otherwise, you won't change. It's not worth it to you.

"The driving force behind boundaries has to be desire. We usually know what is the right thing to do in life, but we are rarely motivated to do it unless there's a good reason. That we should be obedient to God, who tells us to set and maintain boundaries, is certainly the best reason. But sometimes we need a more compelling reason than obedience. We need to see that what is right is also good for us. and we usually only see these good reasons when we're in pain. Our pain motivates us to act."

I'd never though of this food struggle for me as simply as just calling it a boundary I'm establishing in my life, but the reality is that a boundary is the only name for it. I'm protecting myself from things that hurt me, and opening myself up to those things that are good for me. For years I've thought that Chris and I should really make some changes in our lives--eat better food, etc. But I never had the motivation to do. Now I do. And my whole world is being turned upside down, shaken apart, and then being put back together piece by piece.


2. The second quote (it's kind of long) I'm going to give is an answer to a question(s) I've had for quite a few years now. It is a question that has haunted me for the last couple in particular. I've even written about it here. What is forgiveness? And more particularly--how do you forgive someone who doesn't seem to want to be forgiven or even get the fact that they've hurt you? And even more specifically from that--how do you forgive someone who doesn't "get" how they've been at fault and thus you are placing yourself back under them in a way that you're almost guaranteed to get hurt again?

"Many people have a problem determining the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. They fail to deal with external resistance because they feel that they have to give in to the other person again or they are not being forgiving. In fact, many people are afraid to forgive because they equate that with letting down their boundaries one more time and giving the other person the power to hurt them again.

"The Bible is clear about two principles: (1) We always need to forgive, but (2) we don't always achieve reconciliation. Forgiveness is something that we do in our hearts; we release someone from a debt that they owe us. We write off the other person's debt, and she no longer owes us. We no longer condemn her. She is clean. Only one party is needed for forgiveness: me. The person who owes me a debt does not have to ask for my forgiveness. It is a work of grace in my heart.

"This brings us to the second principle: we do not always achieve reconciliation. God forgave the world, but the whole world is not reconciled to Him. Although He may have forgiven all people, all people have not owned their sin and appropriated His forgiveness. That would be reconciliation. Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two.

"We do not open ourselves up to the other party until we have seen that she has truly owned her part of the problem...True repentance is much more than saying 'I'm sorry'; it is changing directions."

I think I have some answers now.

3. The final quote goes right along with the above thought. This particular section was dealing more with how to handle unresolved grief and loss:

"The basic rule in biblical recovery is that the life before God is not worth holding on to; we must lose it, grieve it, and let go so that He can give us good things. We tend to hold on to the hope that 'someday they will love me' and continue to try to get someone who is unable to love us to change. This wish must be mourned and let go of so that our hearts can be opened to the new things that God wants for us...Giving up boundaries to get love postpones the inevitable: the realization of the truth about the person, the embracing of the sadness of that truth, and the letting go and moving on with life."

And thus endeth my posts on Boundaries. If you've been bored to tears, you're probably not reading this. If you've been reading these posts, I hope they've maybe given you some interest in reading, what I found to be, an amazing book.

I will be reading this book again...relatively soon, most likely. But I know that regardless of when I return to it, there are areas of my life--spiritual, physical, and emotion--that have been and are going to continue to be greatly impacted by this.

Boundaries Part 6

The next section of the book Boundaries (to see my posts on the first section of the book to here to Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5) delves a little more into specific Boundary conflicts. While many of the ideas overlap, each chapter focuses on a specific type of relationship: Boundaries with your family, friends, spouse, children, work, self, and God. While there is much that I have actually written on some of these areas, I will only be sharing a few pieces of that here (for, I hope, obvious reasons).

In Chapter 7 - Boundaries and Your Family - I found this chapter to be fascinating (especially given the recent history of my husband and his parents).

The first tidbit that really made me stop and start questioning my life was the following: “…boundaries define someone’s property…[People who make outside choices but not inside emotionally free choices do not really ‘own themselves’]. People who own their lives do not feel guilty when they make choices about where they are going. They take other people into consideration, but when they make choices for the wishes of others, they are choosing out of love, not guilt; to advance a good, not to avoid a bad.”

The first thing I started questioning of course (since this chapter is about family) was how I felt this applies in my life. I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again…I feel like my parents did a pretty good job in allowing me to set boundaries in my own life. The reason I feel that way is because the few times where I feel that they did push my boundaries, really stand out to me in my memories. Most of the time, I remember feeling comfortable and that I had a good degree of personal freedom. Obviously that was within reason, and they did help shape my boundaries, but they also let me establish them for myself. (Thanks for that, btw, APs of mine!).

So, my parents, not a problem. Now, having said that though, that feeling of not “owning” my own life, is one that I have experienced. And so that really made me kind of sit and pay attention as I have been trying to pinpoint with whom I feel that my boundaries need some work.



In Chapter 9, which deals with Boundaries and the Spouse, I found this statement to be very powerful: "...a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person. You are not demanding that your spouse [or friend, co-worker, family member, etc] do something--even respect your boundaries. You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do. Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself. Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse [or other person]. It is the opposite. It is giving up control and beginning to love. You are giving up trying to control your spouse and allowing him to take responsibility for his own behavior."


I know I've talked about this a little bit in earlier posts on this book, but I still think this concept is the most pivotal one of the book. Boundaries can't control other people. Boundaries allow you to "own" yourself - control yourself. You set your limits, you make your own decisions, and you deal with the resulting consequences hence forth.


While I am not going to say that I have a perfect marriage, my husband and I have worked very hard together to try to set boundaries with one another. I don't think we ever termed them boundaries before, but we have always worked towards trying to be honest with one another, communicating clearly and fairly with each other, not expecting the other person to fulfill the unspoken need. Now, as I shared with a friend a few days ago, I don't always succeed at that! But we do work towards that end. He cannot fulfill me. He also cannot read my mind and know what I need. And it is unfair of me, unloving of me, to punish him (be angry with, sulk over, etc) for that.



Chapter 10 is a chapter that I think I will be revisiting quite a bit once we start our own family as that is the one dealing with boundaries and children. While I've known a lot of this before, I don't think I've ever had anyone really connect some of the dots for me as clearly as this book has. It's more like I've known a number of somewhat unrelated yet very important points in various relationships that are finally becoming clearly related for me. They all deal with boundaries.



In Chapter 12 which deals with Boundaries and Self, there was another idea that I just have to throw out there. The authors' are talking about how, since the Fall, man's instinct is to withdraw from relationship to deal with things ourselves when something goes wrong. The authors' challenge this idea because our relationship with God is also just that, a relationship. In withdrawing from relationships, we withdraw from Him. And at that point we're depending on ourselves - not the greatest of ideas!



A second idea that really stood out to me in this chapter was this notion of just telling yourself "no" when dealing with personal out-of-control boundary problems. "Just say, 'no', Choose to Stop", "Make a Commitment to Never do it Again." These phrases aren't that helpful. "The problem with this approach is that it makes an idol out of the will, something God never intended. Just as our hearts and minds are distorted by the Fall, so is our power to make right decisions. Will is only strengthened by relationship; we can't make commitments alone...If we depend on willpower alone, we are guaranteed to fail. We are denying the power of the relationship promised in the cross. If all we need is our will to overcome evil, we certainly don't need a Savior."


Once again, can I say, "Ouch!" Self-reliance is definitely an approach to living that is pushed by our society. But I can't, if I call myself a Christian, be truly self-reliant. Because my "self" is flawed, fallible, and broken. And it is only with a relationship that I can succeed. No wonder we're all falling apart.

The last chapter in this section, Boundaries and God, also deals with this concept of being dependent on God. In one of my earlier posts, I addressed this a little bit, but here in this chapter, it comes back even more. God sets boundaries. God respects our boundaries. It is up to us to open up our boundaries to include Him. But in doing so, we also have to respect His boundaries.

"Boundaries are inherent in any relationship God has created, for they define the two parties who are loving each other...boundaries between us and God are very important. They are not to do away with the fundamental oneness or unity that we have with him, but they are to define the two parties in unity. There is no unity without distinct identities, and boundaries define the distinct identities involved.


"We need to know these boundaries between us and Him. Boundaries help us to be the best we can be--in God's image. They let us see God as he really is. They enable us to negotiate life, fulfilling out responsibilities and requirements. If we are trying to do His work for Him, we will fail. If we are wishing for Him to do our work for us, He will refuse. But if we do our work, and God does His, we will find strength in a real relationship with our Creator."


And that is one of the most powerful concept of being in a relationship with God.

Boundaries Part 5

For this next part, I'm just going to throw a couple of quotes out there that really stood out to me from chapter 5 (The Ten Laws of Boundaries) and chapter 6 (Common Boundary Myths).

1. Biblical views of Responsibility: "[We are commanded to] 'love each other as I have loved you' (John 15:12). Anytime you are not loving others, you are not taking full responsibility for yourself; you have disowned your heart...[However], we are to love one another, not be one another....The biblical mandate for our own personal growth is 'Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose' (Phil. 2:12-13). You are responsible for yourself. I am responsible for myself...[I am] responsible to give to [your] needs and to put limits on [your] sin. Boundaries help you do just that."

2. Biblical view of Respect: "We fear that others will not respect our boundaries. We focus on others and lose clarity about ourselves...We judge the boundary decisions of others, thinking that we know best how they 'ought' to give, and usually, that means 'they ought to give to me the way I want them to!' But the Bible says whenever we judge, we will be judged....If we condemn others' boundaries, we expect them to condemn ours. This sets up a fear cycle inside that makes us afraid to set the boundaries that we need to set...'So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you' (Matt. 7:12). We need to respect the boundaries of others. We need to love the boundaries of others in order to command respect for our own. We need to treat their boundaries the way we want them to treat ours."

3. On evaluating the effects of boundaries on others: "You need to evaluate the effect of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries become someone respond with hurt or anger. To have boundaries...is to love a purposeful life...We need to evaluate the pain caused by our making choices and empathize with it." (But that doesn't mean we change our boundaries because of it--it just means not walking blindly through life disregarding how other's might feel because of our boundaries that we've set.

4. On being proactive in life (ontologizing!) and the power that comes with that: "Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for. These people are very different from those who are known by what they hate, what they don't like, what they stand against, and what they will not do...Power is not something you demand or deserve, it is something you express. The ultimate expression of power is love; it is the ability not to express power, but to restrain it."

5. On being active (or purposeful - again ontology!): "Human beings are responders and initiators. Many times we have boundary problems because we lack initiative - the God-given ability to propel ourselves into life...Passivity never pays off. God will match our efforts, but he will never do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries. He wants us to be assertive and active, seeking and knocking on the door to life...The sin God rebukes is not trying and failing but failing to try. Trying, failing, and trying again is called learning. Failing to try will have no good results; evil with triumph."

6. On being honest about our boundaries: "...boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship. We have many boundary problems because of relational fears...Because of [our] fears, we try to have secret boundaries. We withdraw passively and quietly instead of communicating an honest no to someone we love...The Bible continually speaks or our being in the light and of the light as the only place where we have access to God and others. But, because of our fears, we hide aspects of ourselves in the darkness, where the devil has an opportunity. When our boundaries are in the light, that is, are communicated openly, our personalities begin to integrate for the first time. They become 'visible'...and then they become light."

7. On Stewardship vs. selfishness: "We are our own responsibility...We are to develop our lives, abilities, feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Our spiritual and emotional growth is God's 'interest' on his investment in us. When we say no to people and activities that are hurtful to us, we are protecting God's investment."

8. On obeidence and not being bound by fear: "The Bible tells us how to be obedient: 'Each of you must give us you have made up your mind, not reluctantly or under compulsion for God loves a cheerful giver' (2 Cor. 9:7). ...God has no interest in our obeying out of fear [fear of a real person of a guilty conscience] ...God wants a response of love. Are boundaries a sign of Disobedience? They can be. We can say no to good things for wrong reasons. But having a 'no' helps us to clarify, to be honest, to tell the truth about our motives; then we can allow God to work in us. This process cannot be accomplished in a fearful heart."

9. On identifying good relationships: "Boundaries are a 'litmus test' for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries love our will, our opinions, our seperatesness. Those who can't respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't love our no. They only love our yes, our compliance."

10. On the role of boundaries: "Boundaries are a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don't control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent your treasures from being taken at the wrong time. Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause some discomfort. They may have to look elsewhere. But it doesn't cause injury."

11. On boundaries and the legitimate needs of others: "Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can't sacrifice for some reason or another. Jesus left the multitudes, for example, to be alone with his father (Matt. 14:22-23). In these instances, we have to allow others to take responsibility for their 'knapsacks' (Gal 6:5) and to look elsewhere to get their needs met."

12. Boundaries and "owing" others: "One of the major obstancles to setting boundaries with others in our lives is our feeling of obligation...The idea is that became we have received something, we owe something. The problem is the nonexistent debt. The love we receive, or money, or time--or anthing which causes us to feel obligated--should be accepted as a gift. 'Gift' implies no strings attached. All that's really needed is gratitude. The giver has no second thought that the present will provide a return. It was simply provided become someone loved someone and wanted to do something for him or her. Period....What do we owe those who are kind to us, who have genuinly cared for us? We owe them thanks. And from our greatful hearts, we should go out and help others...We need to distinguish between those who 'give to get' and those who truly give selflessly."

Boundaries Part 4

As I read chapter 4 of Boundaries, I was really struck by one major concept that, while it makes total sense, I'd never really thought about before, and that is how children should be (but obviously aren't always) taught boundaries by their parents and that these same boundaries can begin to be established from extremely young ages of development. Boundaries help define an individual to themselves and to others.

But then Cloud and Townsend make a really good point that is kind of frustrating at the same time--"You can't develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and with others." What, then, happens to the non-Christian who has no relationship with God and no supportive relationships with others? How lost they must feel.

"Our deepest need is to be belong, to be in a relationship, to have a spiritual and emotional 'home.' The very nature of God is to be in a relationship: 'God is love' says 1 John 4:16. Love means relationship - the caring, committed connection of one individual to another....We are built for relationship. Attachment is the foundation of the souls' existence. When this foundation is cracked or faulty, boundaries become impossible to develop...[because] when we lack relationship, we have nowhere to go in a conflict...[and] we are forced to choose between two bad options:
1. We set limits and risk losing a relationship...
2. We don't set limits and remain a prisoner to the wishes of others."

What a choice to have to make: Do you want loneliness or oppression?

The authors', very early on in the chapter, define the intentioned meaning of Proverbs 22:6 ("Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not turn from it"). "The way he should go" is defined as God's way and not the way parents think a child should go. I know I've been blessed by parents who, I feel, have not forced me into going any particular way just because they felt it was what they wanted to see me do but rather taught me to seek God's will and then encouraged me in following through on that (even when it meant letting a barely 14 year old girl go to Uzbekistan for nearly 3 months with five Thai Buddhists to further her ballet training!). Were my parents perfect? No. (Sorry, Mum!). However, from my observations of the many people with whom I've had contact since I first stepped into the adult arena of my life, I can clearly see the damage that has been done by those who were given even less or no development of boundaries.

And then I have to pray that when Chris and I start our own family, may God help us to actually help establish these boundaries in our children's lives....because they are vital.

Boundaries Part 3

Apparently, I am compliant avoidant. As I delved into chapter 3 of Boundaries, I found much of interest in there, only two points of which I will discuss here: The compliant and avoidant persons.

Compliant people are ones who say “yes” to things. They “have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they ‘melt’ into the demands needs of other people. They can’t stand alone, distinct from people who want something from them….They minimize their differences with others so as not to rock the boat. Compliants are chameleons.”

The first thought I had about this is that I would love to do a case-study of TCKs and find out how many of them fall into this compliant category. After all, we are the masters of being chameleons. We flit from culture to culture, group to group, somehow needing to find a way to fit in…and being a chameleon is often the easiest and least painful way.

“Compliants take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but because they are afraid.”

Have you ever seen the movie “Mean Girls”? Lindsay Lohan is in it (when she was still cute and not slutty). That movie cracks me up and also makes me cringe simultaneously. If you’ve never seen it, the short synopsis is a TCK moves from being home schooled in Africa all her life to going to a public school in the US. The movie is about her struggles with finding a way to fit in and discovering the lengths to which she is willing to go to fit in, particularly with the popular crowd. It makes me laugh because there are lines in it and pieces of it that are just my life. Her confusion about pop culture references and such is very realistic. It makes me cringe because, although she goes to the extreme, her strong need to fit in and her chameleon act to do so are very familiar.

The second thought I had is that, on retrospect, while I do have tendencies towards compliancy, I think it’s also something I have fought against being for a long time now. Sadly, that fight often leaves me feeling uncomfortable because I then find myself standing away from the crowd, but I always feel more secure about myself when I’m not pretending things just to make other people like me. If I’m really being honest, I think the person I am most compliant to, at least at this point in my life, is myself—or at least my rather strict, overly critical conscience. I thank the Lord for a husband who has really helped me overcome this, but it is something I struggle with on a regular basis.

“People who have an over strict, critical conscience will condemn themselves for things God himself doesn’t condemn them for…Afraid to confront their unbiblical and critical internal parent, they tighten appropriate boundaries. When we give into guilty feelings, we are complying with a harsh conscience. The fear of disobeying the harsh conscience translates into an inability to confront others—a says yes to the bad—because it would cause more guilt.”

Now, those of you who have ever been on the receiving side of my temper know that there are times I have no problems with confronting people. But the truth of the matter is that I reign my temper in very sharply, and I think in some ways, that has actually hurt me. I’ve learned to (mostly!) control my temper, but I don’t think I ever learned (although this is changing of late) the balance of still being able to really confront others when necessary. I need to learn what the authors called “Biblical compliance.” Essentially, biblical compliance is to be compassionate (or compliant) from the inside out not compliant outwardly and resentful inwardly (sacrificial).

Hand in hand with the whole compliancy issue is that of those who are avoidants. People who are avoidants tend to struggle with asking for help, recognizing their own needs, and letting people in. “Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others.” I know that this is something that I do. It’s something I’ve tried to learn to fight against, but my first tendency when I’m struggling is to just internalize it and deal with it myself.

But, as the authors say, “God designed our personal boundaries to have gates. We should have the freedom to enjoy safe relationships and to avoid destructive ones. God event allows us the freedom to let him in or to close him off (Rev. 3:20).”

So, there you have it. An honest confession of where I think my boundary problems stem from. Now the question is what to do about them?

For those interested, the other two boundary problems described are those who are Controllers (manipulative and aggressive – they do not respect other people’s boundaries) and those who are nonresponsive to the needs of others.

Boundaries Part 2

Chapter 2 of Boundaries is basically a definition of what boundaries are in every aspect of life. The chapter talks about physical boundaries, boundaries that you set via your words, physical distance, emotional distance, time, etc.

While there is a great variety of interesting points that stood out to me in this section, there were a few in particular that really made me stop and think.

First, they discuss the boundaries set by words, especially one word in particular, the dreaded “no.” If you’re like me, you’ve read/heard a lot about the necessity for using the word, “no,” not being a door-mat, etc. However, the authors made a point about this particular word that really brought the use of the word “no” into a new perspective for me.

“The Bible also warns us against giving to others ‘reluctantly or under compulsion’ (2 Cor. 9:7). People with poor boundaries struggle with saying no to the control, pressure, demands, and sometimes the real needs of others. They feel that if they say no to someone, they will endanger the relationship with that person, so they passively comply but inwardly resent. Sometimes a person is pressuring you to do something; other times the pressure comes from your own sense of what you ‘should’ do. If you cannot say no to this external or internal pressure, you have lost control of your property and are not enjoying the fruit of ‘self control.’”

Does anyone else feel a sting from that? I know that I definitely pressure myself into feeling guilty for saying “no.” In fact, I can look back on my life and see a lot of really hard times that I’ve been through that would have been a lot better had I just said “no.” I had never taken that thought to the next level that I am actually hurting myself spiritually by not establishing my true boundaries.

Continuing in that vein of thought, this chapter also gets into personal responsibility:

“Feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge. The Bible says to ‘own’ your feelings and be aware of them…Feelings come from your heart and can tell you the state of your relationships….But the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.” It doesn’t nullify having the feelings, but it does put them into perspective and takes away the excuse to respond poorly to other people because of how I’m feeling.

In short, it comes back to another topic I’ve dealt with a lot over the last two years – choices. If I choose to set a boundary, I have to take responsibility for that. If I choose to react just with my emotions and allow them to own me, then I have to take responsibility for that. As the author’s put it: “You are the one who must live with their [the choices’] consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.”
After all, as is later addressed, you can’t set boundaries for other people. You can only set limits for yourself. I can’t change someone else, I can’t choose for someone else. God doesn’t even do that. He has standards and He limits His exposure to those who do not follow His boundaries, but He doesn’t force people into certain behaviors. They choose for themselves. He is taking a stand against things that destroy love – because He is love – but He does not force people to accept His boundaries.

And then came the real kicker for me. “What we value is what we love and assign importance to. Often we do not take responsibility for what we value. We are caught up in valuing the approval of men rather than the approval of God; because of this misplaced value, we miss out on life.”

How many times in my life have I been so concerned about other people “liking me” or “approving of me” that I’ve done things I really didn’t value or believe in? And I’m not necessarily just talking about sinning here but rather doing/saying/living things that I don’t really find important or even a correct reflection of myself. Rather than seeking God and only God’s approval, I’ve sought the approval of mankind, and I’ve been hurt because of it. I’ve failed to set a boundary on what I value, and so I’ve compromised and then had to deal with the aftermath of not liking myself because of my own choices. And then sometimes, when I have set a boundary, it’s caused a lot havoc because people don’t know how to respond to the suddenly established boundary.

As Townsend and Cloud put it, “Our minds and thoughts are important reflections of the image of God. No other creature on earth has our thinking ability. We are the only creatures who are called to love God with all our mind…[therefore] we must own our own thoughts. Many people have not taken ownership of their own thinking processes. They are mechanically thinking the thoughts of others without ever examining them. They swallow others’ opinions and reasoning, never questioning and ‘thinking about their thinking.’” At the same time we have a responsibility to “grow our knowledge and expand our minds” and to “clarify distorted thinking.”

In truth, I have had to laugh as I yet again have been dumped into the concept of ontologizing. Conscience living, consciously setting boundaries, choosing values, interpreting feelings—all a part of ontology.

Boundaries Part 1

So the first book in my pile of nonfiction that I’ve picked up to read is Boundaries by Doctors Henry Cloud and John Townsend. From the very first chapter, I’ve been fascinated (and a little in pain at times from the major “ouches!” in the book).

The first point that really stood out to me as I started the book was the following quote from chapter 1: “Made in the image of God, we were created to take responsibility for certain tasks. Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is knowing what is our job and what isn’t…Any confusion of responsibly and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries. Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t.”

The authors then go into a description of how many Christians struggle with understanding that boundaries can be biblically appropriate.

I think people in general, unless they are completely devoid of a conscience, struggle with setting boundaries because they are afraid of hurting other people, being seen as selfish, etc. As Christians it does seem to be an even bigger issue because of how much we are taught that it is our responsibility to love our neighbors, help others, save the world! And while that is true, there is still appropriate and inappropriate (if not downright dangerous or wrong) methodology for doing so.

I work in a Christian environment, and while there are many aspects to that fact that I love, one of the biggest most frustrating issues I have had to experience since I’ve been here is that people seem to be afraid of telling other people, “No.” It’s like because we’re all Christians, we don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, and so regular workplace issues that should be dealt with and addressed are left alone and thus cause regular problems. Boundaries are not established because it might hurt somebody’s feelings to do so and therefore, as in the quote above, there are issues with “confusion of responsibility and ownership”. People cannot say what is and is not their job or responsibility all the time because it isn’t dealt with. But I digress…

As I got into the second chapter this issue of what a boundary is got further explained. To quote, “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me…God designed a world where we all live ‘within’ ourselves; that is, we inhabit our own souls, and we are responsible for the things that make up ‘us.’ [Anyone else sensing an emphasis on ontology in that last statement?]…We have to deal with what is in our soul, and boundaries help us to define what this is….Boundaries [also] help us to define…what we are not responsible for. We are not, for example, responsible for other people.”

For me, I feel like the last couple of years has been all about learning that last statement. “[I] am not…responsible for other people.” Reading that statement was very relieving to me. So often I tend to give myself guilt trips because of other people’s choices and reactions that relate to me. But I’m not responsible for them. Such freedom in those words.

Before I could get too carried away with that thought though, the authors did nicely bring that statement into focus for, “We are responsible to others and for ourselves. ‘Carry each other’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.’” (Galatians 6:2).

They then go onto do a little defining of some Greek words that make a very big difference in understanding scriptures which talk about our responsibility towards carrying other people's loads. There are times when I really wish I read Greek!

Basically, while we are asked to be “responsible to” and “show the sacrificial love of Christ” to others who have burdens that are too big to bear (i.e. They are lacking strength, knowledge, resources, etc and need help), each person has their own responsibilities that only they can carry. As in, “pick up your cross and follow me.” Not, dump your cross on your neighbor and trot along merrily beside them telling them how they should be walking faster and responding more quickly under their double load!

And this clarification of ideas does make sense. Because a lot of problems that I at least see or experience myself can easily be identified as coming from one of two things:

1. People trying to carry to much themselves and not stretching beyond their boundaries to ask for help from others (somewhere in all this, the authors talked about permeability of boundaries – i.e. it’s a boundary but it doesn’t shut you off from the rest of the world nor does it necessarily stay always in the same place). Yes, yes, you can quit pointing fingers and laughing at me now.
2. People who too quickly dump onto other people not their burdens but their regular loads for which they should be personally responsible.

More to come on this topic!

For those who wonder why I’m outlining all this here, when I study I really have to talk/write ideas out otherwise I don’t learn or truly understand them. As I do feel that this is a very important book for me to read, I really want to make sure I’m not just reading and forgetting it but really thinking through and absorbing as much as I can.