TCK - Going Home all Grown Up

To see the land of my childhood through the eyes of my children

To experience the sights and smells and tastes of my dreams via the senses of my kids

To relive the language and experiences of my growing up with the voice and being of my daughter

To visit long-hidden memories through the actions of my son

Sweet Surreality

Lost in Weather

I've discovered a new peculiarity of the breed of people called TCK. Well, at least those related to my immediate family.

This discovery came about on a morning when I woke up, looked out the window in our bedroom, opened the window, assessed the weather, and commented to my husband that it was a "British day."

He thought I was being weird. My sister, however, when asked about her thoughts on the day, immediately understood what I meant. Further discussion proved that, she also, classifies the general weather/feel of days by countries. Not that all days can be specifically classified, but many certainly can be. For me, there are days that the feel in the weather reminds me of Thailand, England, Washington state, Missouri, even Italy, Malaysia, and once or twice, India.

And thus certain days become "British days."

Thai goodness and sadness all mixed up in a bowl of spicy tastiness

I probably will pay for it tonight, but I just had the best Thai meal I have ever had in the USA. And, truthfully, the quality of the food rivals that of a lot of Thai meals I've had back home.

A few months ago I heard about/saw a little Thai restaurant tucked in out of the way beside a gas station (how Thai can you get!) near our house. Unfortunately, with all the food issues, I haven't been eating out hardly at all the last year. And so we never tried out the restaurant.

And then on Sunday my sister came over and informed us that not only is it a really, really good restaurant but that they have Isarn food (Isarn is the Northeast region of Thailand - the area I grew up in - and has very distinct food [and in my opinion the BEST food] that you don't really find elsewhere in the country) which is rarely found outside of Thailand itself because it's not what the tourists generally eat. But the truly sad news was that they were closing down this week.

So tonight we (Chris, myself, my sister, my brother, and sis-in-law) all went to eat there. And oh my goodness, Joy wasn't kidding. That was the best Thai food I've had in years. Seriously, if that restaurant was open in Thailand, it would be one of those which the natives would frequent because of how good it is.

But, as the saying goes, "location, location, location." It's so far out of the way, no one knows about the restaurant. And on Sunday it will be closing its doors.

So for now I will concentrate on the delectable spiciness of the food and pray that I don't get sick tonight/tomorrow (and I won't regret the meal if I do get sick!). And I'm praying even more than the normal "I don't want to be sick prayer" because I really, really, really want to go back and eat there again at least one time this week before it closes down!

Blue tinted

I've been blue the last week or so. Not a deep, navy blue just blue tinted. It's like seeing the world through "blue tinted" glasses as opposed to rose ones! Nothing is necessarily bad just...blue.

"Why?" you ask. "Why is a woman with an amazing husband, secure home, loving family, caring friends, and two crazily adorable puppies blue tinted?"

Well, answering that question in it's entirety would take far too long than I have time to answer tonight. However, let's just summarize and say that I'm tired of being constantly sick, I feel unsettled and restless for various reasons, and there are things that I want to happen which aren't going to happen for awhile, and I'm not very good with the "patience" thing or the whole "letting God work His timing" thing.

In the last few weeks I keep running into the following Psalm in a lot of different places:

1. Psalm 42
1. As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.

2. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?

3. My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

4. These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

5. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and

6. my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon--from Mount Mizar.

7. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

8. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me-- a prayer to the God of my life.
9. I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"

10. My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

11. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.


It's one of those tried and true "fall back" Psalms used for songs and quoted (at least the first and last parts of it) on posters, bookmarks, and the like. I find sometimes Scripture like this can become very prosaic to me - not that the meaning of the words is any less true or important but that I don't think about them as much because they've become commonplace and easily looked over.

Then last week, over on Bread Crumbs, I read a very apropos blog about Time and trusting in the Lord's timing. Even though she doesn't mention this Psalm in her blog, it got me thinking about the words of Psalm 42 and realizing two things:

1. I don't think I have been putting my hope in God much lately. Oh, sure, I trust Him for the eternal and the big things in life, but I know that I oftentimes get so caught up in the little questions and struggles of life, that I don't even stop to think about having hope in Him for those things. In fact, I think I find it easier to pray and believe in Him for the care of everybody and everything else around me than it is to pray and believe and hope or trust him in things for myself.

Is it pride? To some degree. I don't like being too dependent on other people. Very dangerous and vulnerable position to put oneself into.

Sometimes, however, I think it's more the เกรงใจ ("greng-jai") Thai part of my personality. This term is a very complex term to define mainly because it really has many nuances of meaning and applications in life. In this case though, it's the part of me that at times truly struggles to ask friends, even my husband, for help or time because I don't want to put them out or cause them any inconvenience. In my desire to not "bother" others, my true feelings, needs, frustration, even fears get stuffed deep inside and I just try to move on without asking (or praying) for help. Seeking for hope...

2. The second part of the Psalm that I keep coming back to is the whole "panting after God" thing - the idea of being desperately thirsty and knowing the only thing that can fill that thirst is God.

I'm a big water drinker. In fact, I've gotten to a point in my life where I drink very little else - indeed I only rarely want any other type of substance to drink. Occasionally (think once every few weeks!) I'll have rice milk or juice, but really, water is the only thing that really fills my thirst.

I got here, though, by not drinking other liquids. I used to love juice and milk and drink them all the time. And then a few years ago I really started trying to increase the amount of water I was drinking daily because I know it's good for you (and fewer calories!). Well, over time, water is all I want.

So, using that analogy, why is it I don't thirst after God? I guess because I'm not taking enough time to "drink" of Him.

So back to being blue...

I've realized this blueness is not going to change as long as my hope remains, well, unplaced, and I remain unconsciously dehydrated.

To quote Janna from Breadcrumbs:

"All of us struggle from time to time, in spite of God's Word that says those who wait on God will "soar on wings like eagles" (Isaiah 40:31).

Timing is indeed everything. We need to remember that when we get impatient for things to happen. We need to remember that God's timing is best. He knows all. He sees all. He coordinates all. For that, I'm very thankful. There's no way I can keep track of it all."

Memorial Day Weekend

I had a lovely weekend these past three days.

Chris and I worked very hard at reorganizing our study - including putting a new desk in which I have been wanting for a couple of years now. It looks GREAT. For any of you who have ever been to our house, or even more, stayed in our study (which can act as a second guest room), there is so much more space now - it's lovely and makes me very happy.

I'll take some pictures and put them up soon.

The rest of the time was just nice and relaxing down-time with my husband.

I'm afraid Memorial day itself was not much more than just a nice extra day off for me. I had an interesting experience on Friday. I was getting ready for work and listening to NPR (as I always do in the morning - as biased as they are, they do at least provide okayish news coverage). They had a story on there about this man who's mother had died and he was spending time with his father and found out his father had this tradition (that he knew nothing about prior to that time) of going to the graves of every person who had deeply impacted his life and decorating them with flowers.

It got me thinking on a couple of veins...

1. Is it just me or is Memorial Day in and of itself an almost pointless holiday in this country? Before anybody gets offended by that statement, let me clarify! I don't mean that it should not be observed (in fact I believe the opposite) but that the day itself does not seem to be utlized as it was intended - a day of remembrance and celebration of America's troops who have died in service.

I think it is very sad that it feels so pointless to me, but that is simply what I have observed. I have seen more people utilize it as a general memorial day for those who have died than I have seen the holiday used in memory for troops. And honestly, I really see more people going on picnics and having barbeques without any mention of memorial related ideas (troops or otherwise) than I see people actually using the day as any kind of memorial.

Why is this? It can't have always been that way. What has caused the seeming disconnect between the purpose of the day and what I see occur?

2. The story about the specific man commemorating these individuals who have impacted him by decorating their graves on memorial day was very interesting to me. I think it's a neat story, but I got to thinking about how disconnected I feel with such a story.

I realized upon reflection that this man must have lived in the same town his whole life. He talked about putting flowers on the grave of this person who helped him when he was a teenager and that person who guided him in his first job and another individual who taught him to drive and let him borrow his car for dates......

The whole concept is essentially foreign to me. Not that I haven't experienced the help of so many random people in my life, but that all those people would be in the same town. Buried in the same cemetary. If I were to go put flowers on the graves of those who have impacted my life thus far, I wouldn't even know what country to begin in never mind what cemetary!

I do think the idea of taking the time to honor those individuals is a good one. But how to do so?

Airports

I drove my baby sister to the airport this morning. It's funny how you're brain wanders at 6am as it's still trying to wake up.

The first place it wandered to was from her comment about how peaceful out it was at this time of morning. I couldn't help but think that for three years I was driving to work at that time of morning every morning.

My first year of non-teaching is almost up, and it feels kind of weird. I've decided I miss teaching. However, I don't miss what I was doing. I don't miss the public school system and the sometimes frustrating and useless feeling that I would get from doing a job that it sometimes seemed that many people involved could care less about whether I did well just so long as I kept the right statistics high enough. I don't miss grading thousands of papers and spending every free moment of my life somehow involved in planning or grading.

So where does that leave me? I don't know. I think sometimes that I would like to go back to the classroom, but it would have to be something different. I don't want to teach literature any more. Straight writing, possibly, although then I'm still looking at thousands of papers to grade! I still think TESOL would be fun, but I really don't relish the idea of being back in the public school system at all. I guess that's a door that I'm going to have to see if God opens for me, and until then I will carry on with what I feel He has called me to do currently. And I do feel that I have been led here to where I am.

When I consider everything we've been through the last year and the idea that I might not have only been teaching last year but I would have been department head - I breathe a sigh of relief that He gave me the conviction that I needed to not be teaching this year. I know that the amount of stress and frustration we've been under the last year would have made teaching this year horrific. And, the position I have wound up in is something that I'm watching slowly growing and expanding in what it means, and I really do believe that I'm where I am supposed to be - at least for now.

The second place to which my brain was wandering was the fact that my sweet baby sister is not only nearly 19 years old, but she's officially a sophomore in college now. And she's been here for a whole year now. Well, not here in this town specificallly but here in America. It's hard for me to believe that much time has passed. I know it's hard for her to believe it as well! It seems like only yesterday we were shopping for sheets and dishes for her dorm room.

It's been an interesting year watching her grow up into a college student. She's had some bad times and done some dumb things, but I know she's also had some glorious moments and I've been so impressed by her spirit and the beautiful woman she is becoming. I'm glad she decided to come here. One of the problems with being an MK is that family relationships can be a bit weird at times. For example, the fact that my brother, sister, and I are all living in the same town together at the same time for the first time in 15(?) years since he was in high school, I was in middle school, and she wasn't even in school.

Because she's so much younger than I am, I've missed out on some of the "getting to know you" time, I guess. It's been nice to make up for that time.

The third thought that kept randomly bumping into the other two (and please understand, while I can write all this comprehensively, it certainly wasn't coming out that way in my brain!) was how much I wished I could be going too.

Truthfully, as much as I would like to be with my parents, it's not even necessarily going back to Thailand and going home but just going somewhere. Moving, preferably. Away. Far away. Maybe to Thailand. Maybe to Europe. I'd even be happy with Africa or even Australia. Probably not South America - no particular reason why - just never felt really drawn there! But, if it meant being away.....I would take South America!

It's not that I hate American; I really don't. I've made my peace with this country, and in many ways it is home. But I've had a lot of restlessness lately. I look at various friends of mine -- one has moved to New Zealand, another is on his way to Indonesia, a third is going to Turkey, and of course I have friends who have gone to Cambodia, Thailand, Malaysia, China........and I want to go as well.

Any ways, those are my random early morning airport-run thoughts.

Olympic Games Thoughts

As I turned on my computer this morning, my yahoo page popped up. I have it linked to the Bangkok Post and the UK news (mainly because that particular site gives really good international news). As I scanned the headlines of the BKK Post, I noticed the article titled "Olympic torch runs a protest-free leg in Vietnam." My first thought, sadly, was I'm sure there was some coersion involved in that! And I was proven right. There were attempted protests, but they were shut down by the police. Interestingly enough, the protests had nothing to do with Tibet but over Vietnamese vs. Chinese land claims. At least a change of pace.

The thought that I have had a number of times over this whole dibacal is how much are these protests actually hurting the Tibetan cause because of cultural reasons? A common cultural link between most Asian countries is the whole "face" concept. They cannot be seen to lose face. China has taken a stand on this whole issue. And while I don't see China changing it's stance any time soon, I wonder how much stubborness is being created in China's need to save face against all these protests and whatnot from everywhere else in the world?

Just my thought for the day...

วันสงกรานต์

Friday was the start of a week-long Thai holiday called Songkran. It's a water festival in which everyone basically gets very wet...and for some...very drunk.

From what I understand of the history, it comes at the end of the dry (and very hot) season, and the pouring out of the water is actually symbolic of trust that the gods will send plenty of rain in the next season (the rainy - monsoon) season. The other part of it is that it is actually the new years, and so it involves things like showing respect to the elders, resolution making, etc.

It starts off formal with a small amount of water being poured over the hands of the elders in return for a blessing. The King has his formal ceremony. Everything is nice and stately and sedate.

However, give it about a day, and the entire country goes CRAZY! Thai's love to party, and this is the biggest party of the year. If you go out in the streets, bring a change of clothes in a air-tight bag because you will get drenched. People drive around in trucks with huge water containers and throw water on anybody and everybody. And if you're out, don't plead work or anything else, you will get water dumped on you. Motercyclists (of which that is the primary form of transportation for many) have the worst time of it.

The other thing is the powder. I'm not sure where it originated from...maybe from the marks the monks put on people who come for their blessing? I'm not sure...but white powder gets smeared on everybody. At times the air is thick with the residue of powder. But not to worry because someone is sure to quickly dump a bucket of water around and clean the air out!

Of course some people are cruel and put huge cubes of ice in their water so when they throw it on you it is FREEZING COLD!

As a little kid, we would grab our yard hose or little buckets of water and throw water on any unsuspecting individual passing by and, if no one else was about, take turns chasing each other around the yard with the hose! (If you're having trouble picturing what this looks like, imagine an entire country involved in a massive water fight...that's the general idea!).

As a teen, I would generally go out in a truck with my Thai friends on the first and maybe second day of the holiday. Come back soaked to the bone, but having had the satisfaction of dumping gallons of water on people :) Of course being a white kid out in all this, everybody seemed to take immense pleasure in smearing me head to foot with powder and then dumping as much water on me as possible. But it was all fun!

However, after the second or third day, you pretty much don't want to go out (and if you do go out, go out in a car and LOCK THE DOORS - people will open your car door and dump water in on you) because the partying has been non-stop for quite awhile now and people tend to do crazier and crazier things when they're drunk. Or just high from water throwing in the case of some!

But despite the origins and despite the craziness, I can't help but have fond and wistful memories of this time of year. Friends, silliness, culture, and home...

Perhaps I'll dump a bucket of water on Chris; that might make me feel better!

So, HAPPY SONGKRAN!

Enculturating my sister and other random thoughts

So, it has been horrifically long since I have written on my blog. Much has happened...

Superbowl

So, currently I am sitting on the floor of my living room with Tom Petty singing at half-time in the middle of the superbowl. My sister and I have determined we are the only actual football fans in the room because the boys are playing Halo during half-time and we were the only ones sitting to watch the show!

I am comfortably stuffed with wings (made my yours truly with Buffalo Wild Wings sauce), pizza, chips, tons of fruit (with chocolate dipping sauce!), chocolate covered strawberries (although I suppose technically they fall under the category of fruit), and tasty chocolate, cranberry, and almond stuffed pastries (made by my Amber truly).

*Amber is sitting reading this over my shoulder and correcting my spelling as I type. Excuse me while I take a break to bite her!

We are trying to enculturate my sister into the American experience of Superbowl. I do try to be a good influence on enculturating her :) Of course, I'm really not the best person to be doing that because I don't get half the cultural stuff myself! I don't think she's convinced yet on the value of American football. But then again, neither am I.

Snow-Storm

We finally had a decent snow. However, it snowed most of Thursday afternooon and night and by the time I got out of work on Friday the majority of it was melted. So sad. Snow and no time to play in it. Last year we went and played disc-golf in the snow; not exactly the most successful of outings but a lot of fun regardless.

I did get to take some pretty pictures. Actually, I was entertaining myself. I left early for work on Friday because I didn't know what the state of the roads would be. All in all, they weren't bad. So, as I had time to kill, I drove around the neighbourhood near my work (a beautiful neighbourhood), and took pictures!

I want this house!

Jobs

I have a new job. Well, I will have a new job in a few weeks once my current position is filled and I have trained that individual. I'm still working at Global, but I will now be a part of the Institutional Advancement team. Basically, I will be working with the team of individuals who set up scholarships, raise money, work with alumni, set up meetings, and a variety of other tasks. While I am sad to leave my current co-workers who is this really fun woman from Chechoslavakia. We "get" each other very well - something about that whole international perspective thing. However, Helena aside, I'm thrilled.

Side-note: What is up with the creepy super-bowl commercials this year? Everyone's getting burned, sucked into airplane engines, etc! OK, back to other things.

The "In-Law" issue

This issue seems to be going, well, nowhere. There is only one person who we have even heard from in the last few months; everyone else has basically seemed to decide to ignore our existance. The individual we have heard from has consistantly not been helping the situation by either trying to ignore the fact that there's a problem and pretending like we're all a happy family or else writing emails insulting, telling Chris what's wrong with him and how he needs to be a better individual, belittling points of view expressed by Chris, or informing my darling husband that he obviously has a bad attitude and they can't talk until he straightens out his attitude (this was written after Chris invited this individual to get together and discuss all this mess).

All in all, we truly don't know what to do other than to continue trying to live our own lives as we feel led by God. On the up-side, our life is actually settling into a new, happier pattern. Despite the fact that this stress is here, we know we are doing our best with the situation that we can, and, more importantly, that we are doing the best we can with our own lives, attitudes, behaviors, and even thought patterns. We have undergone some serious changes in our viewpoints and our own behaviors the last few months. God has done some heavy-duty work in our lives - emotional, spiritual, and mental - and while it has been painful in parts, it also has been good. We have learned a lot, changed in many ways, grown up a lot, and hopefully are becoming better people despite - or rather because of - all of this.

I feel sorry for people who believe that God is sitting up in heaven passively looking down into our lives with no real concern or care about what occurs. How they get through stressful times is puzzling. And to live a life believing that He truly doesn't really care what happens to us...how sad.

Back to the Superbowl: We have just seen the best commercial (well, that and the fights between the football robot and the terminator!) for this Superbowl. The coke commercial with the giant blow-up cartoon characters. The etrade commercials with the talking baby are pretty funny as well.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=27486948

Anniversary Celebration

A few weekends ago, we went to St Louis for a (month-late) anniversary celebration. Despite having lived in Missiouri for eight years, I really haven't spent much time in St Louis. I truly do love big cities, so we finally decided to go and explore.

We drove up Thursday night and stayed in a B&B in the Lafayette square, historical area of town. It was about two miles from the Arch and various other fun places to go visit. The B&B was one of the prettiest ones we have ever stayed in but severely lacking things like hot-tubs, fireplaces, or jacuzzis! However, for our exploring purposes, it was great.

Friday, we went on the tour at the Anhueser-Bush Factory. It was fun and very interesting. Of course my favorite part was the Dalmations and the horses!

Look at the size of the dog compared to the horse's hoof!

Pretty puppy!

Following that, we had lunch at the Union Station - which I've always heard a lot about and was severely disappointed in! Just another shopping center. Cool design, but still! There was a cool wall which had a painting of Platform 9 and 3/4 from Harry Potter. The funny part though was that someone had apparently tried to get onto the platform by running into the wall!

Following that, we went to the Cathedral Basilica. Beautiful building. It was interesting to compare a cathedral built in the early 1900s with the ones I'm used to built hundreds and hundreds of years ago. The decorating style was distinctly different. Beautiful pictures. A little gaudy in points but very pretty.

Saturday, we went to the Arch. Although I've been told I've been to the Arch before in my life, I really have no memory of it at all. So, it was fun to go see it. It really is such a cool structure!

Did I mention it was freezing cold?

Back to the Superbowl: The Giants win!! Amber and Chris are devestated. My sister, Donald (Amber's husband), and I were all rooting for the Giants (none of us are football fans), so we're happy. Of course, the real devestation for the two actual football fans is the fact that football is now over for the next few months. Hee, hee...:) OK, I try to be more supportive than that!

On that note...I end my random thoughts for the day.

Travel Lust

I admit to. I have a lust for something - and it's surprisingly not dark chocolate! I'm sorry my dear husband, but I can't help it. The idea of traveling places...*sigh*... such happiness!


There is a part of my being that thrills to the idea of hopping a plane and going to see a new (or old) place. Being able to touch and see for myself the places that I have spent my whole life reading about...that idea gives me this sparkling, wonderful feeling that makes working 40 hours a week seem worthwhile if it will help fund that desire!


Now, I know, some of you will say, "But think of all the places you have been. Think of all the adventures you have had that other simply dream of." And, believe me, I'm not denying the magic and delight of those adventures or the mystery and memories of those places. And yet, the travel lust is not satisfied. There is still an entire world out there that I haven't seen!


I long to see the pyramids of Egypt, to see if the Sphynx really does look as majestic as the pictures present it, to climb the Alps, to touch the Great Wall of China, to see the Pantheon of Greece before it burns to the ground, to walk to Golgatha, to see the birthplace of my Lord, to visit Rome and see the Colleseum, to walk through the Louvre of Paris, to hear Gaelic before that language disappears off the face of the earth, to find out what Mexican food tastes like in Mexico, to see Boston, Washington DC, Philladelphia, to sit in the The Eagle and Child and imagine being able to overhear the conversations of C.S. Lewis and Tolkien, to visit PEI and see Green Gables, to go to the opera in Sydney and see if the gym at Evangel really is a miniature of that building...the list goes on and on.


I have always had a goal of visiting every continent (Antarctica might be negotiable) before I die.

Now, I look over the last few years of my life, and even in these few short years, I have done a fair amount of travel. Since I've been married, we've gone to England once, Thailand once, we've visited Tenneessee, we've done a road trip from Washington State to Missiouri...and those are wonderful memories. And yet, it's been nearly five years since I've seen my aunts and uncles and cousins (and now even second cousins - I think that's what they are!) in England. It's already been a year since I was last "home." And, there is this always nagging longing in me that craves seeing more...going more places, experiencing new cultures, languages, foods, life.



Is it sad that I can sometimes be frustrated that when I consider traveling I feel like I sometimes have to choose between going to England or Thailand because I want to see family? Who, in their right mind, would be frustrated about such a decision?! And yet, again, there is this world out there of places and people and adventures that I haven't had yet.


Due to some recent conversations with various individuals, some of our priorities have been brought into question. And in considering those priorities, I realized, yet again, how deep my love of travel is. And so my longing has been reawakened, if anything, more deeply than ever before. And, since I fortunately have an amazing husband who not only understands my crazy longings but sympathizes and is more than happy to go along with them...this concept is going to be placed nearer the forefront of our lives again. We'll see where the road takes us for, to quote a hobbit of great wisdom and rhyme:



"The Road goes ever on and on


Down from the door where it began.


Now far ahead the Road has gone,


And I must follow, if I can,


Pursuing it with eager feet,


Until it joins some larger way


Where many paths and errands meet.


And whither then? I cannot say."