Confession is Good for the Soul

OK, I have to make a confession about an internal conflict I've been having as a mother. It goes something like this.

Baby Q, who is sweet and wonderful in most respects, has been a rough sleeper the last few months. Few naps went to no naps. Nursing all night, but not restfully so we could just co-sleep and be done with it, but wiggly and awake, so I'm awake half the night etc.

Finally, we've gotten back into a rhythm of naps and good sleep at night--like regularly 6 hours in a row.

And then we hit Sundays.

And what happens? Missed nap in the morning leads to poor or missed nap in the evening leads to  poor sleep that night leads to missed nap the next morning, poor nap the next afternoon, and a cranky, screaming child that night, etc.

And just when it finally settles back down and both of us are getting sleep, we start over again on Sunday.

I confess to a growing, gnawing dread knowing that no matter how good the service is on Sunday morning, I know what I'm going to be facing for the next 24 to 72 hours. I dislike dreading going to church. It doesn't feel right. But this is what I deal with right now.

Daybook January 22, 2014

Outside my window...has been the usual variety of weather. 65 on Monday, and much colder yesterday and today. It's hard to know how to dress around here; you just never know what you're going to be dealing with.

I am thinking...that it is time to buy a new rice cooker. My old one is leaving one gross, soggy wet patch of half-cooked rice every time I use it. However, as we've had the same rice cooker for 12 years of marriage, I think we got our money's worth out of it!

I am thankful for...lessons in properly managing all my Liberian girls' hair. We have had a lovely lady volunteer to come help with all their hair and teach me some much needed information about proper hair management for African hair. I've gained bits and pieces the last few years, but I feel like I've had a full heavy-duty crash-course that is great. And hearing my words about healthy hair come out of her mouth....love it!

From the learning rooms...[or in our case--the learning brain]...It's official. Baby Q's first non-Mama-Dada related word....is Thai: Jat Ai! (peek a boo!). Complete with actions.

From the kitchen...came Rogan Josh made with the leftover lamb roast I made the other day. Yum. Yum. And more yum. And super easy.



I am wearing...the usual nursing top and jeans with my uber comfy black boots. Have I mentioned my boots? I saved up money for several months and bought myself two pairs of boots this winter. Not cheap, but incredibly comfortable. You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find really comfortable, well-padded, cute boots. I don't tend to go through shoes very quickly (i.e. I wear them until they're dead...very dead...and then sometimes past the point of deadness because I just hate to go shoe shopping), so I knew this would be a good investment for my money. Haven't regretted it a bit. One or other of those pairs of boots have been my constant companions this winter.

I am creating...lots of scrapbook pages. Yay! Will start posting one of these days.

In my mailbox today.. .came two boxes. One contains Baby Q's birthday presents (only three more weeks and my baby turns 1) and the other was a beautiful quilt, hand-made for Blueberry by her great-grandmother. Lovely.

I am reading.. .Jane of Lantern Hill. I've been on a Montgomery kick again, and enjoying some happy stories.

I am hoping...for something I'm not going to get. A shift without new kids to settle in. So far we've gained one new this shift, and we're only on day three! And supposedly having more changes yet to come. Sigh. I guess that's the tricky part of opening up a new cottage--it takes awhile to settle in not just physically but also with people.

I am hearing...blissful silence as the girls are all at church with Chris, and I stayed behind to put a very cranky Baby Q to bed. He's quit taking naps--gone cold turkey--driving me crazy!

One of my favorite things...the never-ending imagination of my Blueberry.

Here is picture (or more) for thought I am sharing...

Want to join in? Go check out The Simple Woman's Daybook.

7 Quick Takes (Vol. 31)

#1 - I've been immersing myself in the language and thoughts of Madeline L'Engle again. Specifically, Walking on Water. There's just something about how she writes, how she sees the world, her call to worship through the creative gifts God has bestowed, that moves and inspires me. And I've been feeling the need for creative inspiration lately. Not even just creative inspiration...life inspiration. After all...

The questioning of the meaning of being, and dying and being....is part of the deepest longing of the human psyche, a recurrent ache in the hearts of all of God's creatures.

This ache, this question, is one for which I feel I have been hunting down an answer for years. And still do not have a full understanding of it.

However, what she spoke here, gives me a glimpse, perhaps, to understanding the why of this answer alluding me:

Plato spoke of the necessity for divine madness in the poet. It is a frightening thing to open oneself to this strange and dark side of the divine; it means letting go of our sane self-control, that control which gives us the illusion of safety. But safety is only an illusion, and letting it go is part of listening to the silence, and to the Spirit.

Letting go of self. My control. Making way for God's control. Now that truly is frightening.

*****************

#2 - We are on day four of our week off. It is an amazing thing this having seven days off in a row. I've become used to the 6 on / 3 off schedule of our previous employment. I got to the end of our third day off here, and was energized and could be back on if I had to. Now I am basking in the beauty of time to just be, to focus on my two little ones without craving some aloneness that I so rarely get. I feel like I don't have to so jealously guard my ability to sleep in and have a purely lazy morning when off because there are seven beautiful mornings to chose from.

*****************

#3 - In a similar vein of though. I must speak of how surprised I've been by my enjoyment of our 21/7 schedule that we are now on. When I first heard of 21 days on, I was, truthfully, afraid. And, in all honesty, if I were trying to work that schedule in the atmosphere/structure that we were in before, I wouldn't make it. I was always exhausted after just six days there. But here, we just did 21 of the craziest days (constantly having kids home, sickness, holidays, adding new kids in regularly, major kid battles, etc), and we went off duty Sunday night, tired, and ready to be off, but not exhausted. Not falling apart at the seams, can't handle one more conversation, ready to curl up and do nothing but sleep for three days. Rather, we were energized, tired, but looking forward to doing things in our time off. Seeking out adventure and experience. Even me, Queen of the Introverts, have not sought only solitude by hiding in my house. It's amazing how the difference in environment can change so much the energy and ability of the worker.

Now to translate that into the rest of my life where I have that control...

*****************

#4 - So what have we done with these days off? Well, I've blogged for one. We've explored Charlotte (the town, not the daughter) a little bit--going to the Whole Foods there. We've tried a new restaurant. I've edited. I've worked on our supposed-to-be-Christmas-cards-but-turned-into-New-Year's-greetings-cards-instead-because-Christmas-cards-didn't-happen cards. Blueberry and I have baked.We've run errands. We've slept. We've watched movies. I've ready to my children. We've gone for walks. We've played. And we put clean sheets on the bed. Which is one of my happy things. It has been good.

*****************

#5 - Baby Q's birthday is coming up in three short weeks. How is that possible? My baby boy turning one? Really? I've been trying to decide how to celebrate. So far I'm leaning towards a brunch type celebration (so that we don't run into nap time crankiness). And I'm envisioning a lot of pictures being printed off. But we'll see.

I admit some sadness that none of our family will be here, but we will survive.

*****************

#6 - Blueberry, Christopher, and I went on a mommy/daddy/kid date to go see Frozen. I have to admit, it was really good. A very beautiful and surprising cartoon. I love the fact that they defied the norm throughout the whole story. Nice change of pace.

*****************

#7 - I posted the following on facebook recently, but found myself rereading it again just today. This article speaks so clearly to me of where I am now, in my journey of mommyhood and beingness.