Nine years ago today I married my best friend. In those nine years we've shared tears, laughter, helped one another grow, taken turns holding the other person up, held hands, and most recently, added the most perfect addition to our lives. I don't regret a moment of it. And I hope for 90 more.
Love you dearest.
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I Have Myself a Good One :)
This last week I have been reminded--a lot--of why I married my wonderful husband as he has done a number of things to just make my life easier, happier, and more peaceful. And most of them he just did! And then, just to top it all off, he does something like this.
I am blessed!
I am blessed!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
My Husband - Literally
While there are many ways I could describe my darling husband (sweet, thoughtful, caring, self-analytical, compassionate, loving, ideologically realistic, and silly being just a few words to start with), I have to confess that there are two words that cannot be left out of any list about him: passive aggressive and literal.
And so when he forwarded me the following emails of an email dialogue he had with one of his teachers (along with his paraphrase of her response), I giggled so hard, my boss came in to make sure I was ok.
For those of you who just don't "get" Chris, try this on for size:
Initial Email
From: Christopher (Student)
To: Teacher
Subject: class assignment
"I have been going by the most exact interpretation of your assignments in your syllabus. If it says "bring in," then I do. If it says, like last week, "find one example of each" but doesn't say to bring it in, then I find it but don't bring it in. So for this week you say "choose 3 examples, then write a paper" but you do not say to bring the examples in. Does this mean "choose" (make my selections) and bring in a paper about them without bringing in the selections? I'm a literalist, so I think I'm not supposed to bring them in. Am I right?"
Teacher Response Email:
From: Teacher
To: Christopher (Student)
Subject: class assignment
"Actually, no. I guess I am not a literalist in that sense. When I say “find one example of each,” I thought it was self-evident that you would bring the example in—how else would I know you had found it? Interestingly, in all the times I have taught this class, you are the only one who has interpreted it “literally.” I can see how you could interpret this in that way; I just haven’t thought of it that way in the past and neither have others. Just a word of caution—you will probably find that a lot of people do not think as literally as you do. So if you have any questions, it is better to ask than to make the wrong assumptions. This also means that you will have to be sensitive to how other people make assignments in the work world—in some cases, you practically have to read their minds!"
Let me paraphrase her response to me, “Who’s a cute literalist? You, yes, it’s you, come here, cute literalist. Come. Come on.”
And so when he forwarded me the following emails of an email dialogue he had with one of his teachers (along with his paraphrase of her response), I giggled so hard, my boss came in to make sure I was ok.
For those of you who just don't "get" Chris, try this on for size:
Initial Email
From: Christopher (Student)
To: Teacher
Subject: class assignment
"I have been going by the most exact interpretation of your assignments in your syllabus. If it says "bring in," then I do. If it says, like last week, "find one example of each" but doesn't say to bring it in, then I find it but don't bring it in. So for this week you say "choose 3 examples, then write a paper" but you do not say to bring the examples in. Does this mean "choose" (make my selections) and bring in a paper about them without bringing in the selections? I'm a literalist, so I think I'm not supposed to bring them in. Am I right?"
Teacher Response Email:
From: Teacher
To: Christopher (Student)
Subject: class assignment
"Actually, no. I guess I am not a literalist in that sense. When I say “find one example of each,” I thought it was self-evident that you would bring the example in—how else would I know you had found it? Interestingly, in all the times I have taught this class, you are the only one who has interpreted it “literally.” I can see how you could interpret this in that way; I just haven’t thought of it that way in the past and neither have others. Just a word of caution—you will probably find that a lot of people do not think as literally as you do. So if you have any questions, it is better to ask than to make the wrong assumptions. This also means that you will have to be sensitive to how other people make assignments in the work world—in some cases, you practically have to read their minds!"
Chris' Paraphrase of Teacher Response:
From: Christopher
To: Wife (that would be me!)
Subject: FW: class assignment
Let me paraphrase her response to me, “Who’s a cute literalist? You, yes, it’s you, come here, cute literalist. Come. Come on.”
Friday, February 27, 2009
7 Quick Takes Friday (vol. 3)
#1 - I've decided to add a little distinction to my name by signing myself, "The Hanna". The Irish got away with it; why can't I? What do you think? A little over the top? Well, that's what happens when I get woken up after being in a deep sleep for several hours...things just get weirder and weirder and funnier and funnier. And random ideas like calling oneself "The Hanna" just seem brilliant. Truthfully, I could make a killing as a comedian if only I could arrange it so that I would tape immediately after being woken up having slept for a couple of hours. I wonder if that could be arranged? I wonder if I'm having this thought because I'm writing this at 4am after having been woken up?******************************************************************
#2 - On a more serious note, is anyone else disturbed by the current news on the "Fairness Doctrine"? It truly amazes me that such a concept would even be open for discussion. Why would anyone would support a law which would essentially stamp out some the fundamentals doctrines this country was founded on? What is happening to this country? I don't care what party you belong to, who you voted for in the last five elections, or where you grew up. If you have any passion at all for the so-called democracy of this country, don't ignore this issue.
******************************************************************
#3 - Since I'm on the subject of politics, I will say it was interesting to read part of the interview filmmaker Alexandra Pelosi, daughter of Speaker of the House, Congresswoman Nanci Pelosi did with Salon asking her about Alexandra's experiences following the McCain campaign for a documentary film.
Salon asked Pelosi the following question: "Did you go out there with the expectation that the polls were probably right and the candidate whose supporters you were interviewing was probably going to lose?"
Her answer was surprisingly refreshing: "Well, more than 58 million people voted for John McCain, and I know that everyone on the coasts is on an Obama honeymoon right now, and they seem to forget that more than 58 million people did not want Barack Obama to be their president. And when I was traveling over the summer and I would go to rallies and 20,000 people would be there, it's hard to say I knew Obama was going to win. They had some real enthusiasm at these events for the GOP ticket. So, I did not go out presupposing that Barack Obama was going to be president. I wasn't trying to make a point about, "Ooh, he's going to be president and here are the losers, let's go check out what they have to say.
"They had huge crowds, and I felt they were really underrepresented in the media. I didn’t feel like I saw these people on TV. And when I went out to talk to people, the first thing they would say to me was, "I can't believe you're talking to me." They were so flattered that I wanted to hear what they had to say because they'd say, "The media doesn't listen to us. You turn on the TV and all you see is Obama nation and you don't see us." They had some points. My liberal friends, I have to remind them that they have some really good points. No. 1, the media did not fairly represent them in this election. Obama was on the cover of every magazine all summer long. I understand Obama sold magazines. It's a business. But when you've got a presidential election and you have half of the country feeling really underrepresented, I think that's a real problem. And I think that's a bigger problem than Obama versus McCain.
"There was this guy in Fort Wayne, Ind., Fred Boise, who says, "The media paints us to be fanatics. They treat us like hicks and we just go to Wal-Mart and we're rednecks. And they don't come to get to know us, and they go on stereotypes." I think all of that is true. Of course there were a lot of clichés that I had to overcome when I got there. "Hi, I'm from New York and my last name is Pelosi," and obviously that was like funny to them in a weird way. Like, "What are you doing here?"
******************************************************************
#4 - I ran into an interesting post on a new blog I've been exploring this week that fits in nicely with my (what I'm afraid might become thematic) rant on marriage, feminism, etc. Go check out "The Big Dumb Husband" over at The Family Homestead
******************************************************************
#5 - On a totally different topic and because I apparently still have zombies on the brain and this cracked me up:
#6 - On the subject of celiac disease:
I was reading The Gluten-Free Homemaker, a blog that I've recently come across and have found has some really good information on Celiac and living Gluten Free. Any ways, the writer of this blog posted an article called "How Gluten Affects Me Mentally" that I personally found very interesting.
She began by describing how when she gets glutinated (my term not hers), her mood is really affected. Immediately I began to read more closely because her description was, well, me, or at least what's been happening to me mood when I've had gluten. In short, I become a crabby, irritable brat (to put it nicely)--and this grumpiness is not just because of how I physically feel. I literally can feel the gluten affecting my mood. And even more weird is how, as everything gets processed out of my body, I can literally feel my mood getting better. It's distinctly noticeable and slightly unnerving at times!
Any ways, she had a medical explanation for why this happens to those with celiac or gluten intolerance. To quote:
"Intestinal permeability is part of the reaction that takes place when someone with celiac disease eats gluten. To put it simply, molecules that should be kept within the intestines are able to “leak” out into the bloodstream. Gluten is one of those molecules. When gluten is carried by the blood to the brain, it causes problems. Dr. Fasano explained that the gluten molecule is similar to endorphins which, along with other things, give us a sense of well-being. The gluten molecules will dock where endorphins are supposed to dock. In effect, gluten blocks endorphins and the positive feelings they can give us."
It's not an excuse for bad behavior on my part, but it is a relief to know that I'm not the only one who goes marginally Witchy upon the ingestion of gluten and that there's an actual reason for it.
And then I sent the article to my husband and he said he's going to start telling me to get my receptors cleaned. I'm not exactly sure how to respond to that!
******************************************************************
#7 - Why is that when I center my cute little asterisks line right above point #5, all of point #1 immediately also centers itself? Not point #4, #3, or #2. Just #1. And if I make point #1 be left centered, then the line right above #5 becomes left centered. Why are computers so irritatingly uncooperative?
******************************************************************
Signing off till next time,
The Hanna
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Memorial Day Weekend
I had a lovely weekend these past three days.
Chris and I worked very hard at reorganizing our study - including putting a new desk in which I have been wanting for a couple of years now. It looks GREAT. For any of you who have ever been to our house, or even more, stayed in our study (which can act as a second guest room), there is so much more space now - it's lovely and makes me very happy.
I'll take some pictures and put them up soon.
The rest of the time was just nice and relaxing down-time with my husband.
I'm afraid Memorial day itself was not much more than just a nice extra day off for me. I had an interesting experience on Friday. I was getting ready for work and listening to NPR (as I always do in the morning - as biased as they are, they do at least provide okayish news coverage). They had a story on there about this man who's mother had died and he was spending time with his father and found out his father had this tradition (that he knew nothing about prior to that time) of going to the graves of every person who had deeply impacted his life and decorating them with flowers.
It got me thinking on a couple of veins...
1. Is it just me or is Memorial Day in and of itself an almost pointless holiday in this country? Before anybody gets offended by that statement, let me clarify! I don't mean that it should not be observed (in fact I believe the opposite) but that the day itself does not seem to be utlized as it was intended - a day of remembrance and celebration of America's troops who have died in service.
I think it is very sad that it feels so pointless to me, but that is simply what I have observed. I have seen more people utilize it as a general memorial day for those who have died than I have seen the holiday used in memory for troops. And honestly, I really see more people going on picnics and having barbeques without any mention of memorial related ideas (troops or otherwise) than I see people actually using the day as any kind of memorial.
Why is this? It can't have always been that way. What has caused the seeming disconnect between the purpose of the day and what I see occur?
2. The story about the specific man commemorating these individuals who have impacted him by decorating their graves on memorial day was very interesting to me. I think it's a neat story, but I got to thinking about how disconnected I feel with such a story.
I realized upon reflection that this man must have lived in the same town his whole life. He talked about putting flowers on the grave of this person who helped him when he was a teenager and that person who guided him in his first job and another individual who taught him to drive and let him borrow his car for dates......
The whole concept is essentially foreign to me. Not that I haven't experienced the help of so many random people in my life, but that all those people would be in the same town. Buried in the same cemetary. If I were to go put flowers on the graves of those who have impacted my life thus far, I wouldn't even know what country to begin in never mind what cemetary!
I do think the idea of taking the time to honor those individuals is a good one. But how to do so?
Friday, February 15, 2008
My valentines teddy bear
When I woke up Thursday morning and stumbled out into the kitchen to get something to drink before I dragged my weary self off for my morning workout, I was greeted by a cute, fluffy red and black teddy bear sitting on the dining room table. (see picture above) Wrapped around said teddy bear’s neck was a beautiful heart-shaped, rose necklace. Valentine’s Day had come!
I receive a bear every Valentine’s day, and this is one of my most treasured gifts every year. Now, I really don’t collect bears or bear stuff anymore. I used to, but people change and evolve over time, and it’s been quite a few years since I’ve wanted bears for the sake of bears.
So why the importance of the V-Day bear?
That is actually quite a big part of my life.
I grew up collecting bears. I loved them. My baby panda bear from when I was first born, Honey Bear given to me by a random pastor, my Care-Bear made my Mum...all of them had stories.
When I was 18, I went through one of the toughest times of my life. My whole life had been spent moving. I counted it once, and I have moved 21 times in 26 years. That's actually very little compared to my brother who went to boarding school. But, regardless, moving has always been a regular activity. I found myself driving around neighbourhoods the other day looking at all the For Sale signs and scouring the internet for local houses for sale. Then I realized what I was doing and was trying to figure out why. The answer hit me in a rather duh moment. We have now lived in our current house for a little over three years. That's the longest I have lived in any one place in my entire life (give or take a few months). No wonder the traveling part of my brain is screaming at me to me move!
Any ways, back to being 18. This move was one of the hardest I was going to make. I moved to Thailand when I was three, and for all intents and purposes, Thailand is my home. It's the country of my childhood, and I love it. However, I was graduating high school. I had to go get a college degree, I had to move back to America. And I didn't know for how long. In the past, when we had come back to America every four or five years for furlough, it was for one year, and then we went home again. Never had I come to live for an unspecified amount of time in this country. I was having to sort through my stuff knowing that this time I couldn't just pack stuff away in boxes and come back and find it in a year. This time, if it got left behind, it was permenant.
Then came the bear fight. Like I said, I had a bear collection - each one loved with a name and history all of it's own. I was trying to put stuff into boxes, and my dearest of mothers came into my room and told me that I didn't need to take all my bears. They were just taking up unnecessary room in the shipment. I really should just pick out a few and leave the rest behind, give them away, whatever. I never had a lot of fights, per say, with my parents. This was one of those times when I lost my head, screamed at them, and flung myself into my room in tears. I couldn't possibly leave my bears behind. What was she thinking?!
Several years later, I understand completely what she was thinking. However, fortunately, I have great parents, and she understands (and actually explained to me) what I was thinking! I'm a TCK - Third culture kid. A person who has been born in one culture, raised in a second culture, and has come up with my own third culture as a combination of all of the above. Technically, I'm an FTK - born to parents of two distinct cultures, raised in a third culture, and thus developing m own Fourth culture. Stability in my immediate family, oh yes, I always had that. Stability in my life? No. Like I said, I've moved my whole life. Friends have come and gone. Schools have come and gone. Change is the middle name of most TCKs.
And, a common reaction for a lot of TCKS is to cling to something as an object of stability in their lives. For me, that was my bears. They had always been with me. At least one of them went on every trip I took. Even when we moved from one country to the other and some had been left behind, I was always able to go back to them. So my mother asking me to leave them more or less permenantly, give them away, was - to my crazy 18 year old mind - her taking away my pillars of stability in my life. And I couldn't handle that.
I still have my pile of bears. However, as I said earlier, I don't collect them any more. Except for my Valentine bear. Chris gave me a bear our very first Valentine together. And he has given me one every year since then, even though he knows I don't really collect "bear stuff" any more. But that Valentine bear is the sweetest symbol of stability for me. Not that the bears themselves form a stable pillar for me, but my husband does. He didn't know the history behind the bears until a few years into our marriage. But I think I've just transferred my picture of what those bears mean to me into the ones he gives me every year.
And truthfully, eight years later after my move to the USA (bleagh, have I really lived here that long?!), I'm starting to look at some of my old bears (not my Valentine's bears), and thinking maybe it's time to put some of them away. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet, and I don't know if I ever will. But the thought has lingered occasionally. I suppose that's a sign of growing up and finding my own life in a new country.
But for now, I will look forward to my yearly Valentine's bear and all it means to me.
I receive a bear every Valentine’s day, and this is one of my most treasured gifts every year. Now, I really don’t collect bears or bear stuff anymore. I used to, but people change and evolve over time, and it’s been quite a few years since I’ve wanted bears for the sake of bears.
So why the importance of the V-Day bear?
That is actually quite a big part of my life.
I grew up collecting bears. I loved them. My baby panda bear from when I was first born, Honey Bear given to me by a random pastor, my Care-Bear made my Mum...all of them had stories.
When I was 18, I went through one of the toughest times of my life. My whole life had been spent moving. I counted it once, and I have moved 21 times in 26 years. That's actually very little compared to my brother who went to boarding school. But, regardless, moving has always been a regular activity. I found myself driving around neighbourhoods the other day looking at all the For Sale signs and scouring the internet for local houses for sale. Then I realized what I was doing and was trying to figure out why. The answer hit me in a rather duh moment. We have now lived in our current house for a little over three years. That's the longest I have lived in any one place in my entire life (give or take a few months). No wonder the traveling part of my brain is screaming at me to me move!
Any ways, back to being 18. This move was one of the hardest I was going to make. I moved to Thailand when I was three, and for all intents and purposes, Thailand is my home. It's the country of my childhood, and I love it. However, I was graduating high school. I had to go get a college degree, I had to move back to America. And I didn't know for how long. In the past, when we had come back to America every four or five years for furlough, it was for one year, and then we went home again. Never had I come to live for an unspecified amount of time in this country. I was having to sort through my stuff knowing that this time I couldn't just pack stuff away in boxes and come back and find it in a year. This time, if it got left behind, it was permenant.
Then came the bear fight. Like I said, I had a bear collection - each one loved with a name and history all of it's own. I was trying to put stuff into boxes, and my dearest of mothers came into my room and told me that I didn't need to take all my bears. They were just taking up unnecessary room in the shipment. I really should just pick out a few and leave the rest behind, give them away, whatever. I never had a lot of fights, per say, with my parents. This was one of those times when I lost my head, screamed at them, and flung myself into my room in tears. I couldn't possibly leave my bears behind. What was she thinking?!
Several years later, I understand completely what she was thinking. However, fortunately, I have great parents, and she understands (and actually explained to me) what I was thinking! I'm a TCK - Third culture kid. A person who has been born in one culture, raised in a second culture, and has come up with my own third culture as a combination of all of the above. Technically, I'm an FTK - born to parents of two distinct cultures, raised in a third culture, and thus developing m own Fourth culture. Stability in my immediate family, oh yes, I always had that. Stability in my life? No. Like I said, I've moved my whole life. Friends have come and gone. Schools have come and gone. Change is the middle name of most TCKs.
And, a common reaction for a lot of TCKS is to cling to something as an object of stability in their lives. For me, that was my bears. They had always been with me. At least one of them went on every trip I took. Even when we moved from one country to the other and some had been left behind, I was always able to go back to them. So my mother asking me to leave them more or less permenantly, give them away, was - to my crazy 18 year old mind - her taking away my pillars of stability in my life. And I couldn't handle that.
I still have my pile of bears. However, as I said earlier, I don't collect them any more. Except for my Valentine bear. Chris gave me a bear our very first Valentine together. And he has given me one every year since then, even though he knows I don't really collect "bear stuff" any more. But that Valentine bear is the sweetest symbol of stability for me. Not that the bears themselves form a stable pillar for me, but my husband does. He didn't know the history behind the bears until a few years into our marriage. But I think I've just transferred my picture of what those bears mean to me into the ones he gives me every year.
And truthfully, eight years later after my move to the USA (bleagh, have I really lived here that long?!), I'm starting to look at some of my old bears (not my Valentine's bears), and thinking maybe it's time to put some of them away. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet, and I don't know if I ever will. But the thought has lingered occasionally. I suppose that's a sign of growing up and finding my own life in a new country.
But for now, I will look forward to my yearly Valentine's bear and all it means to me.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
An "Interesting" Conversation
Happy New Year, one and all! And may all your resolutions come true!
New Years Eve, we spent as a family eating Mexican food (to take care of my poor father's Mexican-food needs before he has to return to a land barren of Mexican food, talking, and playing games.
At one point, my brother brought up a tradition we used to have as a family that we partook in most nights at the dinner table. This tradition involved each person at the dinner table having to say the most interesting thing that happened to them that day. While it, occasionally, drove me nuts as a teenager, it really is a great tradition to have.
So, in a variation of the former tradition, we each said (in order of youngest to oldest) the five most interesting things that had happened to us that year.
While some of these "interesting things" overlapped, it was fascinating to hear each person's perspective on what their year has been and what has stood out to them. Some compliments were passed around (actually, we all "picked on" my little sister after she gave her five things by going around the table saying what our most interesting thing about her year has been. Given that she graduated high school, moved back to the USA, left my parents as empty-newters, and is now living in the same town as both her brother and sister for only the second or third time in her life - her year has impacted all of us quite a bit!), some tears were shed (what can I say - the female side of my family can be quite emotional!), and much love and hope were expressed.
Four of my Five Most Interesting Things of 2007 were:
1. Making a major, career-change decision at the beginning of the year that has worked out so amazingly; truly an act of God. I left a job that I was really good at (teaching), where people didn't want me to leave, without any idea of if we would be ok financially, where I would work, etc. And stepped straight into a job that fits my personality very nicely, put me into an environment and people who have been wonderful for me, our finances worked out way better than I ever thought possible (once again, that whole - God subtracts and yet somehow winds up with a bigger or stronger number in the end thing?), and I know that I am truly in the middle of His will for me.
2. Getting to know my little sister better as a person. When she was born, I was seven, and quickly went into the whole – she’s cute but somewhat annoying phase. Then I moved into the whole, I’m a teenager and obsessed with only my life phase. Then I moved out of the house, to a different country, and while we have a relationship, we never really knew each other very well. These past few months have changed that dramatically. And it’s been great!
3/4. Going through the situation with my husband’s family and realizing several things.
3. My husband is truly an amazing man. I have watched him, over and over and over again, find himself in a spot where he has to choose what he becomes and he has always chosen to make something more of himself. Even as we have gone through periods of grief and all that the grief-cycle entails, he has come out stronger in the end. He seeks after God’s will, and is humble enough to recognize his own faults and his own problems areas that he needs to work on – and then works on changing them. I saw this happen in our marital relationship early on, and as this whole nastiness has gone on with his family, he has simply continued to grow and develop more and more openly into the man that I knew was there. I am proud of my husband even if it has taken hurt and frustration to get to this point.
4. This ties into my first Interesting thing and number three, and actually, I saw this as a common theme throughout everybody’s comments. This is a lesson I have been aware of my entire life, but this past year has really brought home the truth and reality of this to me. God is in control. Even when things seem so confusing, out of control, hurtful, pointless, painful, whatever you want to call it. He is always there. This situation has brought my husband and I closer together, we know it has brought us closer to God, we feel that we are finally getting a glimpse of what God has in store for us for our futures, it has caused us to begin to root out of lives certain behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes that are not right and not what God would have us live under. And it has begun to help us put new, strong, roots deeper and deeper into the foundation of God. Do I like the circumstances under which all this has come about? No. Are the years of tears and hurt and anger worth this? Definitely. Do I pray that reconciliation and understanding will come to exist within his family? Absolutely. Will we continue to grow in God and become stronger people and family together if it doesn’t? I pray to God, we will.
I love traditions like this; things that bring together a family. Not expensive, not flamboyant, but sharing of ideas, focusing in on one another's lives, learning to see each other in a new way.
New Years Eve, we spent as a family eating Mexican food (to take care of my poor father's Mexican-food needs before he has to return to a land barren of Mexican food, talking, and playing games.
At one point, my brother brought up a tradition we used to have as a family that we partook in most nights at the dinner table. This tradition involved each person at the dinner table having to say the most interesting thing that happened to them that day. While it, occasionally, drove me nuts as a teenager, it really is a great tradition to have.
So, in a variation of the former tradition, we each said (in order of youngest to oldest) the five most interesting things that had happened to us that year.
While some of these "interesting things" overlapped, it was fascinating to hear each person's perspective on what their year has been and what has stood out to them. Some compliments were passed around (actually, we all "picked on" my little sister after she gave her five things by going around the table saying what our most interesting thing about her year has been. Given that she graduated high school, moved back to the USA, left my parents as empty-newters, and is now living in the same town as both her brother and sister for only the second or third time in her life - her year has impacted all of us quite a bit!), some tears were shed (what can I say - the female side of my family can be quite emotional!), and much love and hope were expressed.
Four of my Five Most Interesting Things of 2007 were:
1. Making a major, career-change decision at the beginning of the year that has worked out so amazingly; truly an act of God. I left a job that I was really good at (teaching), where people didn't want me to leave, without any idea of if we would be ok financially, where I would work, etc. And stepped straight into a job that fits my personality very nicely, put me into an environment and people who have been wonderful for me, our finances worked out way better than I ever thought possible (once again, that whole - God subtracts and yet somehow winds up with a bigger or stronger number in the end thing?), and I know that I am truly in the middle of His will for me.
2. Getting to know my little sister better as a person. When she was born, I was seven, and quickly went into the whole – she’s cute but somewhat annoying phase. Then I moved into the whole, I’m a teenager and obsessed with only my life phase. Then I moved out of the house, to a different country, and while we have a relationship, we never really knew each other very well. These past few months have changed that dramatically. And it’s been great!
3/4. Going through the situation with my husband’s family and realizing several things.
3. My husband is truly an amazing man. I have watched him, over and over and over again, find himself in a spot where he has to choose what he becomes and he has always chosen to make something more of himself. Even as we have gone through periods of grief and all that the grief-cycle entails, he has come out stronger in the end. He seeks after God’s will, and is humble enough to recognize his own faults and his own problems areas that he needs to work on – and then works on changing them. I saw this happen in our marital relationship early on, and as this whole nastiness has gone on with his family, he has simply continued to grow and develop more and more openly into the man that I knew was there. I am proud of my husband even if it has taken hurt and frustration to get to this point.
4. This ties into my first Interesting thing and number three, and actually, I saw this as a common theme throughout everybody’s comments. This is a lesson I have been aware of my entire life, but this past year has really brought home the truth and reality of this to me. God is in control. Even when things seem so confusing, out of control, hurtful, pointless, painful, whatever you want to call it. He is always there. This situation has brought my husband and I closer together, we know it has brought us closer to God, we feel that we are finally getting a glimpse of what God has in store for us for our futures, it has caused us to begin to root out of lives certain behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes that are not right and not what God would have us live under. And it has begun to help us put new, strong, roots deeper and deeper into the foundation of God. Do I like the circumstances under which all this has come about? No. Are the years of tears and hurt and anger worth this? Definitely. Do I pray that reconciliation and understanding will come to exist within his family? Absolutely. Will we continue to grow in God and become stronger people and family together if it doesn’t? I pray to God, we will.
I love traditions like this; things that bring together a family. Not expensive, not flamboyant, but sharing of ideas, focusing in on one another's lives, learning to see each other in a new way.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Blessings
My back hurts, my arms hurt, my legs hurt, and my feet hurt, but all in all, I'm a happy individual today. My house is clean, my floor is done, and Christmas can finally begin! I haven't blogged in over two weeks, and there are so many random ideas I've wanted to address, but I've been pondering on how to do that. Well, I've realized that all in all, these are things that I am just thankful for...so we will address them all that way!
1. Let's start with my car, Mithral Rae. Even though we did have to shell out a couple of hundred dollars to get the sensors fixed, she is at least working again, quite nicely, and seems to not have any inclinations towards randomly quitting her job in the middle of the road! We are going to find a way to get the more general repairs done on her sometime in the next few months; she’s been such a good car over the last ten years, I hate to give her up!
2. Thanksgiving was one of the best Thanksgivings we have had in several years. We drove down about ten hours to Texas to spend it with Chris' aunt and uncle and their four vivacious children. We had a lovely time with delicious food, drives around the city (which I love!), cuddling kids, expressions of thankfulness (including a surprise announcement from Chris' aunt about kidlet number five coming in June!), and just a general relaxing, cozy, thankful! Thanksgiving. We were both in desperate need of escaping Springfield (and our house) for awhile, and to be able to do so with loving and accepting people was wonderful.
3. Dishwasher updates. Upon returning to Springfield, we found our kitchen floor was almost completely done being tiled, and indeed, as I write this, not only is our kitchen floor completely done, but this weekend we finished redoing the dining room floor, putting in dividers, and (this is the reason for the sore muscles) completely cleaning up the disgusting dirtiness that my home had turned into! (I spent 6.5 hours just doing the cleaning. Keep in mind, our kitchen, dining room, and living have been one big jumbled mess for over four weeks, and, as with any construction project, dust has been getting everywhere. Add into that the fact that I’ve been sick, we’ve been out of town, and it’s really difficult to keep a clean house when nothing is in its right place and it’s constantly getting dustier because of grout, tile, sawdust, etc).
Our home is now sparkly clean, ready to be decorated for Christmas, and the kitchen/dining room actually look better with the tile in the kitchen than they did before all this happened!
One of the most amazing parts of all this is how faithful God is in taking care of our needs. When we were first debating on how to fix our floor from the great dishwasher flood, we decided we would have to tile the kitchen floor rather than simply replacing the laminate because the particular brand of laminate we originally used in flooring was - of course – discontinued. And, while we did have some extra boxes of laminate left-over from when we original put the laminate in the house, we were going to be just short in being able to redo both the kitchen and dining room.
Dreading the cost of tile (and losing our beautiful floor), Chris and I went out hunting. We finally found what we wanted and brought it home only to decide it really wasn’t right. At that moment, my dear brother dropped off a whole bunch of tiles at our house that go beautifully with our kitchen and were given to him (boxes and boxes and boxes) by a hardware store because most of the boxes had chipped pieces in them. Cobble them together - and we had enough to redo our kitchen. So, even counting what we paid my brother to do the tiling on the floor (a topic both of us were completely clueless about), all in all it cost us maybe $250 to fix all of the mess. Plus a few weeks of frustration - but hey - considering what we thinking it could cost...it's a blessing. God really does take care of our every need - large and small.
4. Tied directly in with the idea of a clean home is another cleansing concept. For the last three months, Chris and I have been embroiled in a nasty, sad, and at time rather pathetic situation with his immediate family. This has been a long time building (years literally) and involves some odd issues. While I won’t get into details about any of that here, the basic upshot is that – as far as we can tell – his family is no longer talking to him (us) and they seem to have no inclination to try to work through any of what has happened – and indeed, seem to have moved on in their lives to the point where we really don’t know if they will ever have an interest in reforming any kind of relationship with us again.
Obviously, this is a hard place for anybody to be. Acceptance by the people who are your family is a basic desire of any person, no matter how good or bad their parents may be. It’s the reason one can find children who’s parents abuse them who will stand up for their parents.
There is so much involved in all of this mess that I really don’t feel comfortable discussing it in such a public forum as this. However, the result from our end has been three very emotionally frustrating and even depressing months. In getting to this point of realizing that we may or may not ever have a healthy relationship with his family, we have spent many hours processing and analyzing and – vital of all – praying. We have finally hit the point where we have to move on – with or without them. We have to put our lives back together again. It is sad that things are the way they are, but we can’t spend the rest of our lives wondering if they will ever turn into reasonable, caring people.
And so, for both of us, restoring the physical peace of our home from the chaos and mess that has overtaken it, can be seen as a symbolic representation of what we are doing with our emotional and mental selves.
So where does the thankfulness come in?I am thankful to be married to a man who is willing to give up a lot of important things in order to not only become a better man but to develop his own faith and beliefs. I am thankful for his humility and willingness to be honest about his own life.
I am thankful that we have not had to walk through all this alone, but that we have had friends who have been willing to pray with us and put up with our rather chaotic emotions for several months.
I am thankful that God has so clearly demonstrated to us – over and over again – the last few months how much control He has over our lives and that He is always taking care of things – no matter how bad or how frustrating.
And, I am thankful that, somehow, in all of this, I know that everything will be okay in the end. Maybe not what we would ideally want, but God will be with us and we will be okay.
1. Let's start with my car, Mithral Rae. Even though we did have to shell out a couple of hundred dollars to get the sensors fixed, she is at least working again, quite nicely, and seems to not have any inclinations towards randomly quitting her job in the middle of the road! We are going to find a way to get the more general repairs done on her sometime in the next few months; she’s been such a good car over the last ten years, I hate to give her up!
2. Thanksgiving was one of the best Thanksgivings we have had in several years. We drove down about ten hours to Texas to spend it with Chris' aunt and uncle and their four vivacious children. We had a lovely time with delicious food, drives around the city (which I love!), cuddling kids, expressions of thankfulness (including a surprise announcement from Chris' aunt about kidlet number five coming in June!), and just a general relaxing, cozy, thankful! Thanksgiving. We were both in desperate need of escaping Springfield (and our house) for awhile, and to be able to do so with loving and accepting people was wonderful.
3. Dishwasher updates. Upon returning to Springfield, we found our kitchen floor was almost completely done being tiled, and indeed, as I write this, not only is our kitchen floor completely done, but this weekend we finished redoing the dining room floor, putting in dividers, and (this is the reason for the sore muscles) completely cleaning up the disgusting dirtiness that my home had turned into! (I spent 6.5 hours just doing the cleaning. Keep in mind, our kitchen, dining room, and living have been one big jumbled mess for over four weeks, and, as with any construction project, dust has been getting everywhere. Add into that the fact that I’ve been sick, we’ve been out of town, and it’s really difficult to keep a clean house when nothing is in its right place and it’s constantly getting dustier because of grout, tile, sawdust, etc).
Our home is now sparkly clean, ready to be decorated for Christmas, and the kitchen/dining room actually look better with the tile in the kitchen than they did before all this happened!
One of the most amazing parts of all this is how faithful God is in taking care of our needs. When we were first debating on how to fix our floor from the great dishwasher flood, we decided we would have to tile the kitchen floor rather than simply replacing the laminate because the particular brand of laminate we originally used in flooring was - of course – discontinued. And, while we did have some extra boxes of laminate left-over from when we original put the laminate in the house, we were going to be just short in being able to redo both the kitchen and dining room.
Dreading the cost of tile (and losing our beautiful floor), Chris and I went out hunting. We finally found what we wanted and brought it home only to decide it really wasn’t right. At that moment, my dear brother dropped off a whole bunch of tiles at our house that go beautifully with our kitchen and were given to him (boxes and boxes and boxes) by a hardware store because most of the boxes had chipped pieces in them. Cobble them together - and we had enough to redo our kitchen. So, even counting what we paid my brother to do the tiling on the floor (a topic both of us were completely clueless about), all in all it cost us maybe $250 to fix all of the mess. Plus a few weeks of frustration - but hey - considering what we thinking it could cost...it's a blessing. God really does take care of our every need - large and small.
4. Tied directly in with the idea of a clean home is another cleansing concept. For the last three months, Chris and I have been embroiled in a nasty, sad, and at time rather pathetic situation with his immediate family. This has been a long time building (years literally) and involves some odd issues. While I won’t get into details about any of that here, the basic upshot is that – as far as we can tell – his family is no longer talking to him (us) and they seem to have no inclination to try to work through any of what has happened – and indeed, seem to have moved on in their lives to the point where we really don’t know if they will ever have an interest in reforming any kind of relationship with us again.
Obviously, this is a hard place for anybody to be. Acceptance by the people who are your family is a basic desire of any person, no matter how good or bad their parents may be. It’s the reason one can find children who’s parents abuse them who will stand up for their parents.
There is so much involved in all of this mess that I really don’t feel comfortable discussing it in such a public forum as this. However, the result from our end has been three very emotionally frustrating and even depressing months. In getting to this point of realizing that we may or may not ever have a healthy relationship with his family, we have spent many hours processing and analyzing and – vital of all – praying. We have finally hit the point where we have to move on – with or without them. We have to put our lives back together again. It is sad that things are the way they are, but we can’t spend the rest of our lives wondering if they will ever turn into reasonable, caring people.
And so, for both of us, restoring the physical peace of our home from the chaos and mess that has overtaken it, can be seen as a symbolic representation of what we are doing with our emotional and mental selves.
So where does the thankfulness come in?I am thankful to be married to a man who is willing to give up a lot of important things in order to not only become a better man but to develop his own faith and beliefs. I am thankful for his humility and willingness to be honest about his own life.
I am thankful that we have not had to walk through all this alone, but that we have had friends who have been willing to pray with us and put up with our rather chaotic emotions for several months.
I am thankful that God has so clearly demonstrated to us – over and over again – the last few months how much control He has over our lives and that He is always taking care of things – no matter how bad or how frustrating.
And, I am thankful that, somehow, in all of this, I know that everything will be okay in the end. Maybe not what we would ideally want, but God will be with us and we will be okay.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Children Thoughts
So even before I got married, the question of "when are you going to have children" is one that has been in the air. Even my roommate in college bought me a card when I was first engaged saying "Well, now we don't have to ask when you're going to get engaged. So, when are you going to have a baby?"
Granted, it's a natural question. The general pattern of life is that one does get married and then goes and has children. However, why does everyone think they have the right to ask?
Now, I'm referring here to people who are essentially complete strangers to me or even acquaintances from work etc - but not people who I count as good friends or family. When they start questioning Chris or I when we are going to have kids, why don't we have kids, etc, it's a little irritating! Stop and think about that for a moment. In my small world, I know of at least three women who desperately want to have children and who physically cannot get pregnant. Having that question asked can completely devestate those women and, quite frankly, explaining all that to someone who really has no business asking, is not something that those women should be subject to. Now, fortunately, as far as I know, I should be able to have children just fine. However, these strangers who don't know me or my situation have no idea the reasons why we don't have kids yet - how do they know they aren't causing cruelty in their question? How do they know I'm not just holding my head up because I have to while inside I'm dying to have children?
Another common argument that has been presented to us is that having children is pleasing to God and something we should be doing, etc. And yet, I have to question those people who bring this up by asking about the (yes, even Christian families) families who have children, ship them off to daycare within weeks of their being born so they can go back to work and live out their oh so important working, adult lives, allowing their children to be brought up by virtual strangers for the major hours of the day and - even more importantly - those children's major developmental years. And, yes, I completely understand that in many cases they have no option about this - but there are also many cases where they do have options and they simply don't feel it is [a] important enough that they be home with their children and make them be their priority or [b] they like their job and career to much, are afraid they would simply be bored at home, and really don't see the importance of their being around. And, yes, I have had some of these actual conversations with women! Is it right to bring a child into the world and then to abandon it to strangers in daycare? Is it pleasing to God?
Anyhoo...these ideas are ones that quite commonly Chris and/or I face. And thoughts of children are ones that have been dancing around my brain quite a bit more of late. Some of it is the realization that come December I will have been married six years, and the social norm part of my brain is saying, it's about time to have kids. Some of it is that my sister-in-law recently married a widower with two children, so of course, in a previously childless arm of a family, that idea has been pushed to the forefront. Some of it is that my friends all around me are beginning to have children and it feels kind of like "the thing to do!" And some of it is the fact that I really do adore babies and love playing with kids, building relationships with them, and just the general idea of their existance!
And don't get me wrong. I want to have children some day. I know that for sure. However, I keep running into the question of do I want to have children soon? In the next few years, are we looking at changing the current course of our life?
Some days I look at that question and say "yes, I think I do." And yet, more often, I look at that question and say, "I'm not sure." And while some people have told me that you never are 100% sure of wanting to start the children process, you just get used to it, I somewhat dislike that attitude. I know women who unconditionally have wanted a baby, even in their sometimes moments of saying, "I don't know if I'm ready for this" they still have had that urge, that drive to bring a child into the world, to hold a baby, to create someone beautiful. I don't like being half-hearted about things, and quite frankly, I don't want to go into this time questioning whether or not I want this.l
I wonder sometimes if my moments of "sure I want a baby sometime soon" are not simply the results of the subconscious social pressures we feel all around us so often. Those pressures that say, you're nearly 27, you've been married a good number of years, you're young, you're capable, you need to start having children. The same social pressures or expectations that cause people to ask personal questions like, "So when are you having kids?"
Far too often, I look at the life I have right now and say, "No, I'm not ready for that step." I feel like I'm still growing up, that there are things that need to be resolved, developed, whatever you want to call it, before I'm really ready to devote my life to a child. There are days when I wake up and, quite frankly, the thought of not being able to curl up for hours on the couch and ignore the rest of the world while burying myself in the adventures of this fictional character or another, distresses me! And yet, there are other days, when I think of doing different things with a child - going to the apple farm to pick apples, playing in the parks with children, holding a child, loving them, teaching them - sounds like the most delightful experience imaginable.
I desperately want to be a stay-at-home mom; that is a huge priority for me. And quite frankly, if I were to have a child right now, I don't know how we would make it work. I can't bear the thought of leaving my child in the arms of a stranger so that I can go work eight hours a day. I can't bear the thought of having a child who doesn't go through that stage of "I adore my Mummy because she's the most important being in my life" because Mummy has never been there for that child! I've seen those children, and it breaks my heart.
And, there's another part of me that recognizes the limitations (worth it - but still limitations) that come with children. I still have yens to see so many places, to travel, to experience new cultures and people and ideas. And having children does limit some of those options. Oh, yes, we could move overseas and/or still travel somewhat, but not like you can when there are only two to pay for and not three or four or five. And I've seen quite a few older people in the last few years who have hit retirement age, are finally free to do what they want to do - and yet for so many of them, going to Branson is a huge event and the thought of walking the streets of Paris, seeing the Pyramids of Egypt, touching the Great Wall of China, is very tiring and not something they have a great desire to do!
So, to answer the question that apparently everyone seems to interested in asking lately: When are we going to have children? I have to say, "I don't know!" Possibly in the next few years. Possibly not for several years after that! I guess we'll have to see where the argument flows. In the meantime, I will continue to test the question out from time to time (not trying to bias my answer because of the impertinent inquiries of virtual strangers!). And I will enjoy the life that has been given to me now, at this time, as it is.
Granted, it's a natural question. The general pattern of life is that one does get married and then goes and has children. However, why does everyone think they have the right to ask?
Now, I'm referring here to people who are essentially complete strangers to me or even acquaintances from work etc - but not people who I count as good friends or family. When they start questioning Chris or I when we are going to have kids, why don't we have kids, etc, it's a little irritating! Stop and think about that for a moment. In my small world, I know of at least three women who desperately want to have children and who physically cannot get pregnant. Having that question asked can completely devestate those women and, quite frankly, explaining all that to someone who really has no business asking, is not something that those women should be subject to. Now, fortunately, as far as I know, I should be able to have children just fine. However, these strangers who don't know me or my situation have no idea the reasons why we don't have kids yet - how do they know they aren't causing cruelty in their question? How do they know I'm not just holding my head up because I have to while inside I'm dying to have children?
Another common argument that has been presented to us is that having children is pleasing to God and something we should be doing, etc. And yet, I have to question those people who bring this up by asking about the (yes, even Christian families) families who have children, ship them off to daycare within weeks of their being born so they can go back to work and live out their oh so important working, adult lives, allowing their children to be brought up by virtual strangers for the major hours of the day and - even more importantly - those children's major developmental years. And, yes, I completely understand that in many cases they have no option about this - but there are also many cases where they do have options and they simply don't feel it is [a] important enough that they be home with their children and make them be their priority or [b] they like their job and career to much, are afraid they would simply be bored at home, and really don't see the importance of their being around. And, yes, I have had some of these actual conversations with women! Is it right to bring a child into the world and then to abandon it to strangers in daycare? Is it pleasing to God?
Anyhoo...these ideas are ones that quite commonly Chris and/or I face. And thoughts of children are ones that have been dancing around my brain quite a bit more of late. Some of it is the realization that come December I will have been married six years, and the social norm part of my brain is saying, it's about time to have kids. Some of it is that my sister-in-law recently married a widower with two children, so of course, in a previously childless arm of a family, that idea has been pushed to the forefront. Some of it is that my friends all around me are beginning to have children and it feels kind of like "the thing to do!" And some of it is the fact that I really do adore babies and love playing with kids, building relationships with them, and just the general idea of their existance!
And don't get me wrong. I want to have children some day. I know that for sure. However, I keep running into the question of do I want to have children soon? In the next few years, are we looking at changing the current course of our life?
Some days I look at that question and say "yes, I think I do." And yet, more often, I look at that question and say, "I'm not sure." And while some people have told me that you never are 100% sure of wanting to start the children process, you just get used to it, I somewhat dislike that attitude. I know women who unconditionally have wanted a baby, even in their sometimes moments of saying, "I don't know if I'm ready for this" they still have had that urge, that drive to bring a child into the world, to hold a baby, to create someone beautiful. I don't like being half-hearted about things, and quite frankly, I don't want to go into this time questioning whether or not I want this.l
I wonder sometimes if my moments of "sure I want a baby sometime soon" are not simply the results of the subconscious social pressures we feel all around us so often. Those pressures that say, you're nearly 27, you've been married a good number of years, you're young, you're capable, you need to start having children. The same social pressures or expectations that cause people to ask personal questions like, "So when are you having kids?"
Far too often, I look at the life I have right now and say, "No, I'm not ready for that step." I feel like I'm still growing up, that there are things that need to be resolved, developed, whatever you want to call it, before I'm really ready to devote my life to a child. There are days when I wake up and, quite frankly, the thought of not being able to curl up for hours on the couch and ignore the rest of the world while burying myself in the adventures of this fictional character or another, distresses me! And yet, there are other days, when I think of doing different things with a child - going to the apple farm to pick apples, playing in the parks with children, holding a child, loving them, teaching them - sounds like the most delightful experience imaginable.
I desperately want to be a stay-at-home mom; that is a huge priority for me. And quite frankly, if I were to have a child right now, I don't know how we would make it work. I can't bear the thought of leaving my child in the arms of a stranger so that I can go work eight hours a day. I can't bear the thought of having a child who doesn't go through that stage of "I adore my Mummy because she's the most important being in my life" because Mummy has never been there for that child! I've seen those children, and it breaks my heart.
And, there's another part of me that recognizes the limitations (worth it - but still limitations) that come with children. I still have yens to see so many places, to travel, to experience new cultures and people and ideas. And having children does limit some of those options. Oh, yes, we could move overseas and/or still travel somewhat, but not like you can when there are only two to pay for and not three or four or five. And I've seen quite a few older people in the last few years who have hit retirement age, are finally free to do what they want to do - and yet for so many of them, going to Branson is a huge event and the thought of walking the streets of Paris, seeing the Pyramids of Egypt, touching the Great Wall of China, is very tiring and not something they have a great desire to do!
So, to answer the question that apparently everyone seems to interested in asking lately: When are we going to have children? I have to say, "I don't know!" Possibly in the next few years. Possibly not for several years after that! I guess we'll have to see where the argument flows. In the meantime, I will continue to test the question out from time to time (not trying to bias my answer because of the impertinent inquiries of virtual strangers!). And I will enjoy the life that has been given to me now, at this time, as it is.
A Month and a Year
Although it has been nearly a month since I last wrote on this blog'o'mine, it feels almost like a year. And then in other ways it feels only like a few days. Time is very awkward like that. It won't consistently feel a certain way at any given moment. There are those weeks where it feels interminable and makes you wonder if Friday will EVER come. And then you get to Friday and you're looking at the week going, what happened?! Where did my week go? I guess that's one of the reasons I'm such a big fan of lists and calendars and details - if I can look back and see what I've done, check off what I've accomplished, it assures me that I didn't just throw away a good week's worth of time on nothing. :)
In the Myrte update: Myrte has moved out (by her own choice and sadly not in a very courteous fashion). To be honest, I'm not quite sure what has happened or what is going on but since she moved out, it has been confirmed she has definitely gone back to at least a couple of the negative lifestyle choices she was making before she moved in, and there has also been a lot of concern from a lot of people as far as what else she may be doing or not doing. I won't go into details on here as it is her life and her business; although I will admit, since writing is a cathartic activity for me, I have written out a huge long blog for my own personal venting moment about all she has said, done, etc since the last time I wrote! Ah for catharsis! I won't post it, but it felt good to get out of my system!
The largest personal piece of news on that front is that she apparently has decided that I am Public Enemy Number One and she has kicked me out of her life! Still not quite sure how I got into that role with her, but oh well. I will continue to pray for her, and I hope that she doesn't turn away from the working of God in her life. God has given me such a burden for her, and I can see the great potential she has within her to be this amazing, influential human being, if she would only develop that. But, it is God's hands, and the only thing I can do is pray.
On a personal level, while I am a little hurt emotionally (although generally when I feel that hurt attacking me, I just have to remind myself about the issues/mental/emotional state of the one who did the hurting, and I get over it quickly), I have so much peace spiritually, it's been wonderful. I know that the Lord has led both Chris and myself and a myriad of other people in dealing with Myrte, and I have nothing to be ashamed of, sorry for, concerned about as far as my behavior, words, actions, and even - for the most part [hey, I'm human, I get vindictive sometimes!] - my thoughts go.
My dearest of husbands made the comment the other day that he wasn't quite sure if all of this had come about in our lives to teach us lessons or Myrte lessons. Either way, I have definitely learned quite a few things in this roller-coaster adventure.
One of the biggest lessons that has and is continually coming through to me (and I've been running into this lesson everywhere - chapel, church, personal devotions, random letters from people, conversations with other people, and of course that quiet prompting of the Holy Spirit) is that I have to let God control the situations in my life. Now, given my navigatory personality, I like to plan my steps, I like to have goals and methods for reaching those goals, and analysis of what I'm doing etc. The problem is, that I then limit the Lord's guiding to whatever fits into my predetermined methodology! Taking action from the prompting of the Holy Spirit and then not trying to control/predict/analysis, etc what happens after that is very difficult for me to do.
The hardest part for me has been finding the balance point. History teaches us that God uses the actions of man to fulfill His purpose. The question I have kept running into is how do I respond to other people/things/events and yet simultaneously let God have control of a situation.
I think my biggest sticking point is that I may pray and seek God's guidance on an action to take, but then following that action, rather than letting Him worry about what happens next, I parse and analyze it and project and try to plan and predetermine what my next response will be, and basically get myself in a bit of a tizzy because I have no way of knowing what's going to come next! And truthfully, other than my life, I have no control over any other person on the face of the planet. I have to let God deal with all that. Which, in some ways would seem to be a simple thing to do - I mean who really wants to have to deal with everybody else's problems in the world - but in others is frustrating for me! I guess it's that conflict-avoidance personality coming through again.
A friend of mine recently sent me a quote from Elizabeth Elliot that is the perfect summation of all of this.
For starters, Elliot is referring to the scriptures in John 15 about the Vine and the Branches (a set of scripture I've also been running into a lot lately!):
"1 - I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.
2 - He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful...
4 - Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5- I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing...
9 - As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.
10 - If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love.
11 - I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
12 - My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."
The quote from Elizabeth Elliot is as follows:
"To go on from one day to the next, leaving the unsettling things with God, being free and whole and serene because we are secure in our home—this is what “dwelling” in Christ and His love means. The people and the things about which we simply do not know what to do we can commit to His love as well, asking Him to find room for them."
In other words, I don't have to worry about it.
God is in control, and as long as I continue to try to dwell in His love, live within His prompting, seek His heart, what happens with other people does not matter. I do not have to seek the approval of the world. I do not have to fret over people who may or may not like me or who chose to judge my actions or priorities.
If I am dwelling in the Lord, then I can have peace and joy in the face of whatever the world may throw at me.
In the Myrte update: Myrte has moved out (by her own choice and sadly not in a very courteous fashion). To be honest, I'm not quite sure what has happened or what is going on but since she moved out, it has been confirmed she has definitely gone back to at least a couple of the negative lifestyle choices she was making before she moved in, and there has also been a lot of concern from a lot of people as far as what else she may be doing or not doing. I won't go into details on here as it is her life and her business; although I will admit, since writing is a cathartic activity for me, I have written out a huge long blog for my own personal venting moment about all she has said, done, etc since the last time I wrote! Ah for catharsis! I won't post it, but it felt good to get out of my system!
The largest personal piece of news on that front is that she apparently has decided that I am Public Enemy Number One and she has kicked me out of her life! Still not quite sure how I got into that role with her, but oh well. I will continue to pray for her, and I hope that she doesn't turn away from the working of God in her life. God has given me such a burden for her, and I can see the great potential she has within her to be this amazing, influential human being, if she would only develop that. But, it is God's hands, and the only thing I can do is pray.
On a personal level, while I am a little hurt emotionally (although generally when I feel that hurt attacking me, I just have to remind myself about the issues/mental/emotional state of the one who did the hurting, and I get over it quickly), I have so much peace spiritually, it's been wonderful. I know that the Lord has led both Chris and myself and a myriad of other people in dealing with Myrte, and I have nothing to be ashamed of, sorry for, concerned about as far as my behavior, words, actions, and even - for the most part [hey, I'm human, I get vindictive sometimes!] - my thoughts go.
My dearest of husbands made the comment the other day that he wasn't quite sure if all of this had come about in our lives to teach us lessons or Myrte lessons. Either way, I have definitely learned quite a few things in this roller-coaster adventure.
One of the biggest lessons that has and is continually coming through to me (and I've been running into this lesson everywhere - chapel, church, personal devotions, random letters from people, conversations with other people, and of course that quiet prompting of the Holy Spirit) is that I have to let God control the situations in my life. Now, given my navigatory personality, I like to plan my steps, I like to have goals and methods for reaching those goals, and analysis of what I'm doing etc. The problem is, that I then limit the Lord's guiding to whatever fits into my predetermined methodology! Taking action from the prompting of the Holy Spirit and then not trying to control/predict/analysis, etc what happens after that is very difficult for me to do.
The hardest part for me has been finding the balance point. History teaches us that God uses the actions of man to fulfill His purpose. The question I have kept running into is how do I respond to other people/things/events and yet simultaneously let God have control of a situation.
I think my biggest sticking point is that I may pray and seek God's guidance on an action to take, but then following that action, rather than letting Him worry about what happens next, I parse and analyze it and project and try to plan and predetermine what my next response will be, and basically get myself in a bit of a tizzy because I have no way of knowing what's going to come next! And truthfully, other than my life, I have no control over any other person on the face of the planet. I have to let God deal with all that. Which, in some ways would seem to be a simple thing to do - I mean who really wants to have to deal with everybody else's problems in the world - but in others is frustrating for me! I guess it's that conflict-avoidance personality coming through again.
A friend of mine recently sent me a quote from Elizabeth Elliot that is the perfect summation of all of this.
For starters, Elliot is referring to the scriptures in John 15 about the Vine and the Branches (a set of scripture I've also been running into a lot lately!):
"1 - I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.
2 - He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful...
4 - Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5- I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing...
9 - As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.
10 - If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love.
11 - I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
12 - My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."
The quote from Elizabeth Elliot is as follows:
"To go on from one day to the next, leaving the unsettling things with God, being free and whole and serene because we are secure in our home—this is what “dwelling” in Christ and His love means. The people and the things about which we simply do not know what to do we can commit to His love as well, asking Him to find room for them."
In other words, I don't have to worry about it.
God is in control, and as long as I continue to try to dwell in His love, live within His prompting, seek His heart, what happens with other people does not matter. I do not have to seek the approval of the world. I do not have to fret over people who may or may not like me or who chose to judge my actions or priorities.
If I am dwelling in the Lord, then I can have peace and joy in the face of whatever the world may throw at me.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Mutually Exclusive
So my darling husband and I had an interesting conversation two nights ago.
Over the last few months, I've made some rather huge changes in my life. All of this has been done through much discussion and prayer (and occasionally gobs of tissues) with my husband. I'm thankful that we have worked so hard on our marriage in the last few years that there is basically no subject that we don't discuss in our marriage. Makes life quite simple.
Any who...when I decided to quit my teaching job, there were several reasons for that decision, two of which are the following:
1. Teaching is a very demanding job. I've begun to realize over the years exactly why so many of the best teachers whom I have come into contact with are either divorced or single. It's obviously not impossible to teach and be married, but it definitely puts strain on a marriage and requires a goodly number of sacrifices either from the job or from the marriage. Now, to some degree, that might be due in part to the particular classes/age levels/subject matter I taught - either way - my dearest of husbands has put up with a lot over the last few years. So, one of the reasons I had for leaving my teaching job and taking a slightly less time-consuming job was that I wanted to have a job - for at least a small time in my life - that I worked for 40 hours a week and then leave there and not have to worry about extra grading etc. I wanted to be able to do things on a weekend without factoring in how many hours of grading or lesson planning I needed to do, and if I would have time to do them if we went out and did _________ (fill in the blank with any number of a myriad of activities). I wanted to be able to hang out late in the evening during the week and not be constantly worrying about dealing with all the students the next day. Basically, I wanted more free time to "live" my life - not just pour into teaching. For those who don't know, I've never actually held a regular 9-5 job in my adult career. For five years I taught ballet which took up nearly every evening during the week and much other time as well. Or else I worked a job but was in school full-time as well which meant all my free time was taken up. And I went from all that straight into teaching. That's why the luxury of leaving work on a Friday and knowing you truly don't have to think about your job for two whole days is such a novelty to me!
2. The other major reason I gave for leaving teaching when I did was to work on my masters. I was trying to do that and teach and it was HORRIBLE. When you are already working 50 to 60 hours per week, tacking on 10+ extra hours every week is extremely hard. Yes, yes, I know tons of people do it, but I'm not tons of people. I'm me. And I'm learning to be nice to me....So, by finding a more 9 to 5ish kind of position, I opened up my schedule a little better to make getting my masters a little less frustrating.
Side note: For those of you who don't know me well, I love school. I love learning; I even like homework in some sick way :) I have every intention of someday earning my doctorate, partially because I'd love to be able to teach on the college level, but even more because I want to earn my doctorate! I know, I know...I'm an odd duck...I can't help it. I just love learning. However, also for those of you who don't know me too well, I have a tendency to stretch myself to thin at times. I forget that I'm really not super-woman (a very frustrating fact btw), and so wind up taking on too much and having to let other things suffer - which sadly often becomes friends and family. This is an area I've really been working on the last few years.
Back to the main point: Here's the problem. Reason 1 and Reason 2 are somewhat mutually exclusive. It's hard to have more free time when you're taking on doing a masters full time and still working full time!
This was the issue my dearest of husbands raised the other night (the night before I was on the verge of signing all my paperwork stuff to start school in the Fall). We wound up talking for several hours (we're really bad about that. We start these conversations right before bed and end up staying up way too late because we have to finish the conversation! Plus, we're both so analytical, that one small point can lead to 10 other points which lead...well, you get the picture), and the final upshot is that I'm not starting my masters this fall. In fact, I'm going to do something I'm going to take some time off for a whole year. Scary thought - Hanna take time off?! Yes, I know, it's mind-boggling to me as well, but there you have it.
The funny thing is that I never even considered taking time off. This just seemed like the next immediate step I had to take regardless of whether or not I was still currently teaching. But my husband knows me well enough to be able to look at my face and realize what I could not - that ever since I started this new job, I've looked exhausted and unhappy. I personally didn't notice anything. Sure, I was tired, but it's just having a new job - I told myself. But when Chris brought up this idea and we talked about all the different surrounding aspects to it, I realized how much relief and even hope I felt at not starting school this fall. And that is a serious wake-up call for me.
Why? The job is relatively straight-forward - lots to learn, but I'm picking it up fast. I had my schooling all planned out. But, as is sometimes my nature, I was looking to the future but not stopping to look at the what was actually going on around me. And Christopher felt like he was being left behind as well...and that's never good. So, we are taking a year to ontologize but also to pray and search for where God wants the two of us to go and what he wants us to do. We hope to get involved more deeply in some of the different ministries our church offers or other areas that are out there. Not take on too much, but try to put some feelers out to see if maybe God will open some doors or otherwise clue us in to what He wants from us!!! C has also talked about opening up his job-options a little more by pursuing a masters, but he's never settled on what area, partially because of my tendency to forge on ahead and forget to wait and catch up all the other details of my life!
All in all, this was a somewhat humbling conversation I held with my husband, but it was beneficial. And I feel so much peace right now about this decision, that I'm alsost holding my breath in anticipation to see what we might discover next!
Over the last few months, I've made some rather huge changes in my life. All of this has been done through much discussion and prayer (and occasionally gobs of tissues) with my husband. I'm thankful that we have worked so hard on our marriage in the last few years that there is basically no subject that we don't discuss in our marriage. Makes life quite simple.
Any who...when I decided to quit my teaching job, there were several reasons for that decision, two of which are the following:
1. Teaching is a very demanding job. I've begun to realize over the years exactly why so many of the best teachers whom I have come into contact with are either divorced or single. It's obviously not impossible to teach and be married, but it definitely puts strain on a marriage and requires a goodly number of sacrifices either from the job or from the marriage. Now, to some degree, that might be due in part to the particular classes/age levels/subject matter I taught - either way - my dearest of husbands has put up with a lot over the last few years. So, one of the reasons I had for leaving my teaching job and taking a slightly less time-consuming job was that I wanted to have a job - for at least a small time in my life - that I worked for 40 hours a week and then leave there and not have to worry about extra grading etc. I wanted to be able to do things on a weekend without factoring in how many hours of grading or lesson planning I needed to do, and if I would have time to do them if we went out and did _________ (fill in the blank with any number of a myriad of activities). I wanted to be able to hang out late in the evening during the week and not be constantly worrying about dealing with all the students the next day. Basically, I wanted more free time to "live" my life - not just pour into teaching. For those who don't know, I've never actually held a regular 9-5 job in my adult career. For five years I taught ballet which took up nearly every evening during the week and much other time as well. Or else I worked a job but was in school full-time as well which meant all my free time was taken up. And I went from all that straight into teaching. That's why the luxury of leaving work on a Friday and knowing you truly don't have to think about your job for two whole days is such a novelty to me!
2. The other major reason I gave for leaving teaching when I did was to work on my masters. I was trying to do that and teach and it was HORRIBLE. When you are already working 50 to 60 hours per week, tacking on 10+ extra hours every week is extremely hard. Yes, yes, I know tons of people do it, but I'm not tons of people. I'm me. And I'm learning to be nice to me....So, by finding a more 9 to 5ish kind of position, I opened up my schedule a little better to make getting my masters a little less frustrating.
Side note: For those of you who don't know me well, I love school. I love learning; I even like homework in some sick way :) I have every intention of someday earning my doctorate, partially because I'd love to be able to teach on the college level, but even more because I want to earn my doctorate! I know, I know...I'm an odd duck...I can't help it. I just love learning. However, also for those of you who don't know me too well, I have a tendency to stretch myself to thin at times. I forget that I'm really not super-woman (a very frustrating fact btw), and so wind up taking on too much and having to let other things suffer - which sadly often becomes friends and family. This is an area I've really been working on the last few years.
Back to the main point: Here's the problem. Reason 1 and Reason 2 are somewhat mutually exclusive. It's hard to have more free time when you're taking on doing a masters full time and still working full time!
This was the issue my dearest of husbands raised the other night (the night before I was on the verge of signing all my paperwork stuff to start school in the Fall). We wound up talking for several hours (we're really bad about that. We start these conversations right before bed and end up staying up way too late because we have to finish the conversation! Plus, we're both so analytical, that one small point can lead to 10 other points which lead...well, you get the picture), and the final upshot is that I'm not starting my masters this fall. In fact, I'm going to do something I'm going to take some time off for a whole year. Scary thought - Hanna take time off?! Yes, I know, it's mind-boggling to me as well, but there you have it.
The funny thing is that I never even considered taking time off. This just seemed like the next immediate step I had to take regardless of whether or not I was still currently teaching. But my husband knows me well enough to be able to look at my face and realize what I could not - that ever since I started this new job, I've looked exhausted and unhappy. I personally didn't notice anything. Sure, I was tired, but it's just having a new job - I told myself. But when Chris brought up this idea and we talked about all the different surrounding aspects to it, I realized how much relief and even hope I felt at not starting school this fall. And that is a serious wake-up call for me.
Why? The job is relatively straight-forward - lots to learn, but I'm picking it up fast. I had my schooling all planned out. But, as is sometimes my nature, I was looking to the future but not stopping to look at the what was actually going on around me. And Christopher felt like he was being left behind as well...and that's never good. So, we are taking a year to ontologize but also to pray and search for where God wants the two of us to go and what he wants us to do. We hope to get involved more deeply in some of the different ministries our church offers or other areas that are out there. Not take on too much, but try to put some feelers out to see if maybe God will open some doors or otherwise clue us in to what He wants from us!!! C has also talked about opening up his job-options a little more by pursuing a masters, but he's never settled on what area, partially because of my tendency to forge on ahead and forget to wait and catch up all the other details of my life!
All in all, this was a somewhat humbling conversation I held with my husband, but it was beneficial. And I feel so much peace right now about this decision, that I'm alsost holding my breath in anticipation to see what we might discover next!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
-
Well, I hesitate to claim a crying victory too soon; however, I do think we have solved (albeit not in the most perfect way) the crying issu... -
I probably will pay for it tonight, but I just had the best Thai meal I have ever had in the USA. And, truthfully, the quality of the food r...
-
So I break my long blogging silence to make an exciting announcement! I have found (ok, ok, Hillery has found) gluten free crackers that tas...
