In response to the accusations, finger-pointing, nose-snubbing, guilt-charging, and overall negativity peppering my facebook page regarding Katie Perry and her Superbowl halftime show (not that I'm in any way endorsing the halftime show, it was turned off at our house):

3 If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
    Lord, who could stand?
⁴ But with you there is forgiveness,
    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

⁵ I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.

Psalm 130:3 - 5

TCK - Going Home all Grown Up

To see the land of my childhood through the eyes of my children

To experience the sights and smells and tastes of my dreams via the senses of my kids

To relive the language and experiences of my growing up with the voice and being of my daughter

To visit long-hidden memories through the actions of my son

Sweet Surreality

On Myers-Brigg and Other Random Topics

In the spirit of self-analysis and living ontologically, I recently took the Myers-Brigg personality test (well a shortened version of it) again, and wound up as ISFJ barely. It was really 50/50 on the N/S front. I've taken the full blown test before when I was about 18 and INFJ was my results then, and I find it interesting how true this test remains over the years

Here were my actual results from this particular version:

ISFJ  - Introvert(89%)  Sensing(1%)  Feeling(12%)  Judging(56%)

• You have strong preference of Introversion over Extraversion (89%)  
• You have marginal or no preference of Sensing over Intuition (1%)
• You have slight preference of Feeling over Thinking (12%)
• You have moderate preference of Judging over Perceiving (56%)

This first descriptor is identified as the baseline for ISFJ:
"ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their 'need to be needed.'" 

This does not resonate properly with me. I cannot identify this "desire to serve others, their 'need to be needed'" as the foundational characteristic of my life.

However, regarding the work life of an ISFJ made me nod my head in agreement:
"...ISFJs....are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself)."  I've so been there multiple times in my work experiences!

And this part just made me chuckle:
"One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem."

 I admit, and it's sometimes gotten me in trouble over the years, that I am useless at hiding my emotional state. And then explaining what's going on--that takes so much courage on my part, I can barely express here what that step does to me. The mental and emotionally agony I can go through at times on whether or not to bare my soul to someone; it's exhausting!

It's not that I don't want to share or that I don't want to receive help or comfort. I do. And for those who know me well enough to ask or question me, I can express better--although completely expressing my thoughts rarely happens.

Fictional ISFJs:

Bianca in Taming of the Shrew
David Copperfield
Hero in Much Ado About Nothing
Melanie in Gone With The Wind
Ophelia in Hamlet

When it came to the list of fictional famous ISFJs, though, that's where I really had to shake my head simply because of the list, these are all characters who I dislike or don't understand, mainly because of the servitude attitude that goes with these characters and irritates me! Get a backbone and stop letting the world either deceive you or use you.

So despite the test results of that particular version, I tend to believe in my previously tested results of INFJ.

Here are some highlights and personal commentary on that particular description.

• Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately. Can I be so crass as to simply say, "duh"?
• they often possess a strong personal charisma,and are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. and houseparenting apparently! Actually, the more I read about good job choices and the characteristics of this kind of personality, the  more I realize I'm in the right kind of job for me--despite the extroverted side of it all.
• idealists   I find myself less idealistic about other's behaviors and actions than I am of myself. I am absolutely my own worst critic.
• preference for closure and completion - generally "doers" (who take on too much responsibility) as well as dreamers I cannot explain how much I hate leaving things left undone. But then with the "doing" part, I tend to take on to much at times to get everything undone. But the undone things niggle at my brain until I accomplish them. I play a online game with my husband where one person can concede defeat to the other when they realize they are going to die. And it irritates me so much when I cannot take those final few moves to win the game, and the other person just concedes and finishes. Oh the agony.
• deeply concerned about relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large with deep convictions held about the weightier matters of life and if activities.  Always. I hate the idea of being on the outs with people. That gives me so much mental and emotional anguish; sometimes even years after things have changed and time has passed. BUT the following is also true "The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ."   Which is ironic because while I hold concern about the relationship; I also hate injustice in relationships or in life, and that also drives me crazy.
• Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words. They are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few individuals.  This is so foundational to my existence. In the previous idea of being concerned about others, etc, I desperately want to have good relationships with everyone I'm around--in almost a ridiculous, idealistic way. BUT, in reality, I have a small inner sanctum of people who get to know the real me. And even of that inner sanctum, only a few truly know all of the real me. And those who are in that sanctum, I maintain friendships with for years--despite time and distance and even lack of communication at times.
• at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." Oh yes, when I hit overload, I have to shut down. Have to. Fortunately, my husband gets this and has built in time in our lives and our crazy job that allows me time to be withdrawn and by myself. I honestly don't know if I would survive as a houseparent if he wasn't so good about providing those opportunities for me. And, fortunately, he knows me well enough that I don't always have to ask for those breaks; because if I did, I'd be in trouble. Because I'm supposed to be perfect and capable of going on and on and on like an energizer bunny, no matter how depleted I may be. Right?
• INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to clearly deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Not perfection insight, for sure, but I do see things frequently enough that prove to be true that I've learned to trust myself more in this area.
• This empathy can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. Yes. I literally get physically ill in certain situations. I've had enough experience in this to dread that emotional state. 
• extreme inner conflicts are also not uncommon--"tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals.  And this. See, right here, this is one of those areas that even in writing, I'm finding it difficult to "articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings." Seriously, I'm sitting here with so much to say on these two points, but completely trapped in my own brain on how to express these thoughts. So I shall end here and contemplate my inner INFJ in secluded silence.
• 
  To read for yourself or take your own quiz:  http://www.humanmetrics.com/personality/INFJ
  
  This is a graph identifying how frequently different personalities show up in society. INFJ is about 1% of the population. I'm in a small crowd. How apropos. http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/population-gender/

Thankfullness - 1000 Gifts July I

Apparently I wasn't very thankful for May or June. Not really, just so busy, writing at all was barely happening.

1. 3 Gifts Loved -

• A flower given in a farmer's market to brighten my little girl's day.
• Time to walk in the cool of the morning and seek some peace in the start of my day
• A sleep in morning and a rested day

2. 3 Gifts Read -

• A note from far away grandparents expressing love and wishes.
• Encouragement found in the words of praise from a gracious boss and leader.
• "Those who know your name trust in you,
      for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

3. A Gift in Faith, Family, Freedom -

• Thankful for the ability to worship openly with my family, to teach my children the love of Christ with no fear for of repercussions.

4. A Gift in Red, White, and Blue

5. 3 Gifts of Persistance

• The girl who was frightened of swimming now jumping in and refusing help in swimming.
• A child who was losing her voice in fear and anger beginning to speak up instead of run and hide.
• A little voice who demands attention and love and kisses--precious moments I'm glad were not lost.

6. 3 Gifts of Enthusiasm

• The man I love who runs and jumps and plays and swims with the children in our lives.
• The cheer of a 3 year old on accomplishing her goals
• Arms thrown around you in a hug of joy

Oh Me, Oh My

I fear I am a woman of contradictions.

I want to be efficient, but my perfectionism stops me from accomplishing efficiency because being efficient doesn't necessarily equal being perfect.

I feel lonely and depressed when I'm on my own and have had no contact with anyone (thus feeling like no one cares), but I also procrastinate on contacting others, and I crave alone time and get irritable when I don't have enough.

I desire a simple life and fill it up with bits and bobs and clutter and things.

I get overwhelmed and need help, but then don't take help when it is offered.

I seek to save but wind up spending.

I establish a Plan, and then I turn around and do something else entirely.

I love and respect my husband deeply, but find myself criticizing those very things that are essential elements of who he is.

I want my daughter to grow up to be herself, but I want her to fit into routines and structures that don't necessarily match her.

I know meal planning ahead of time would save me time and work, but I can't find the energy to create the menus.

I try to be wonder woman (or maybe the Proverbs 31 woman), but I get overwhelmed when I do to much and feel I succeed at nothing.

I desire a sunny day and stay inside in the shade when I get it.

I seek to be a good friend and then fail to do things that a good friend would do.

I want to exercise more because I know I feel better if I do, but I sit as my chair is so comfy and relaxing.

I try to live up to everyone else's expectations (or what I see as their expectations), and find that I'm not even living up to my own.

I think life in bygone days seems idyllic and so much better than the fast paced world of today, and I then I grumble over my microwave taking 5 minutes to heat up my lunch.

I want to eat more healthily and instead make chocolate pudding.

I plan and dream and scheme for what to do in the future and the present slides away from me.

Paradox

This past Sunday morning was a slightly surreal experience. Unlike what conditions are currently (we've got a potential ice storm predicted), the physical morning was beautiful. Warm, sunny, absolutely gorgeous. As we sat in church service, however, there was a deep pall that hung over everyone. Saturday morning we had learned of the sudden death of a member of the church. Nathan was only 25, married for 3 years, and he died on Saturday, technically of pneumonia but really from a battle with leukemia.

We had not gotten to know him very well. Had hung out at a few church events, but a lot of the events we had gone to, he had wound up not being able to attend because of the risk of getting sick while he was in the middle of chemo. What little time we did get to spend with him, he was such a cheerful person to be around. We always walked away saying, "We want to get to know him better."

And now he's gone. Just like that. 9am Saturday morning I open up my email and find the announcement. His life is over. Finished.

Sitting in service was so paradoxical with the brilliant sunshine blazing outside and the majority of those attending under a dark shroud, trying to deal with the grim reality of Nathan's passing.

And yet even in the midst of the blackness the presence of the Lord was there.

It's such a cliche to ask why it is that we have to undergo hard times to feel the need to draw closer to God. And yet the question still remains. We depend so much on our strength and wisdom when life is going well and we're on top of the world. And yet when the shadows come and we face mountains, we suddenly remember God.

My life has not been as tragically touched by Nathan's passing as many others I know of. I knew him, liked him, admired him for his incredible attitude and great spirit. But he wasn't an integral part of my existence nor me in his.

And yet I still find myself thinking of him--evaluating those things in my life that I am frustrated with or checking myself when I get tired because Blueberry just won't take a nap the last few days and has taken to screaming at the top of her lungs at me when she's hungry. Or when I look at our budget and see that the numbers just don't quite match up and I'm annoyed because I haven't gotten paid for work I've done, or I can't do as much work as I would like/need to because I'm trying to care for a cranky, overly-tired child. Or the dogs traipse mud in through my just-swept floor, a glass breaks creating extra work, and I forgot a good friend's birthday and feel bad.

Tomorrow every bit of it could be gone. My life as I know it could vanish in the blink of an eye. And even these frustrating moments would be precious in memory.

Times like these bring me back to the original thought of this blog:
living intentionally
holding each moment as the precious gift that it is
being not just doing.

It's so easy to forget the vital essence in this existence I have been graced with. And the paradox of life. For every sunny, happy day in my life, there is a dark blackness in another's life. And for every black moment I have, someone else is rejoicing in a perfect moment. All I can do is try to live with intentionality. Focusing on the one thing that matters above all else.

Of that, may Nathan always be a poignant reminder for me.

Reflections

As I (and many others) frequently do near the end/beginning of the year, I've been reflecting back on the happenings of the last year. And more importantly, my role in those events. Am I becoming more the person I want to be? Am I accomplishing those things that I want (or sometimes feel I should!)? Am I growing ontologically or am I simply running to keep up with the rest of the world?

This past year, I have had a lot of ontological lessons. In particular, the first month of motherhood felt like an almost constant lesson in ontology--being, existing, in the moment. Not planning for the future or dealing with the past, not busying myself with what must be done but just existing, reflecting, gazing, and worshiping. Studying the soft features of my darling daughter, feeling her fingers wrap around my own, the trust in her eyes, so many lessons to be found in those quiet moments.

As life has settled into new rhythms, and more of the humdrum routine issues of "the real world" have snuck back into my life, I've found those moments of just being have become farther apart than I would like. And I find that, other than the sleep deprivation portion of the earlier days of Blueberry, I have a strong desire for a return of those moments. Not just a desire, but a need. Because it was in those moments that I felt I was beginning to grasp some aspects of my Lord and my life that have always alluded me in the past.

I have found myself consciously trying to slow down, not for the sake of selfish pleasure but for the purpose of living, growing, breathing, praying, meditating, and thinking.

My world has been turned upside-down, inside-out, and become all around topsy-turvy this year. Not necessarily a bad thing, as I'm discovering many areas that had become unnecessarily large in my life and other things that had been pushed aside, lost, that need to be a larger portion of my life.

Those roles that have always been mine to fill have shifted around as I became full-time mother, more homemaker, less career-woman, and have tried to find the balance between maintaining being a good wife and filling the needs of a child.

My routines are a jumbled mess that I've been slowly sorting out one piece at a time. Trying to determine the things that really are important vs those things that are not actually necessary (no matter how much my pride may beg to differ).

Even every relationship has come under scrutiny this year. Some relationships that I've just accepted as is in the past might need some pruning or fertilizer. Some relationships I've sought after in the past have lost some value. Other relationships I've let slide have become more important. I've found unexpected love and joy from people I'd never really considered in the past. And I've found unexpected hurt and pain from others.

I find myself more forgiving of some things and less forgiving others. More understanding of some actions and choices of individuals and completely baffled by others.

And overarching all of this is the conscious thought that I can no longer put off some things in my life. I can no longer just accept the status quo in other areas. I must push myself in some ways beyond anything I've wanted to do in the last few years. There are two little eyes watching my every move. A little mind already imitating my actions. And a little personality growing and developing and already becoming opinionated and growing tendrils in certain directions, ready to be influenced by who I am and what I do.

And I find myself praying that I will be up for the challenge.

Sweet Angel Baby

Little breath of life
A blink and you were gone
Forever you have home
In a corner of my heart

Really?

So I ran across this brief article on Hotair today:

[I]ncreasingly, some educators and other professionals who work with children are asking a question that might surprise their parents: Should a child really have a best friend?

Most children naturally seek close friends. In a survey of nearly 3,000 Americans ages 8 to 24 conducted last year by Harris Interactive, 94 percent said they had at least one close friend. But the classic best-friend bond — the two special pals who share secrets and exploits, who gravitate to each other on the playground and who head out the door together every day after school — signals potential trouble for school officials intent on discouraging anything that hints of exclusivity, in part because of concerns about cliques and bullying.

“I think it is kids’ preference to pair up and have that one best friend. As adults — teachers and counselors — we try to encourage them not to do that,” said Christine Laycob, director of counseling at Mary Institute and St. Louis Country Day School in St. Louis. “We try to talk to kids and work with them to get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive about friends.”

“Parents sometimes say Johnny needs that one special friend,” she continued. “We say he doesn’t need a best friend.”

Seriously? This is ridiculous. Name the adult who does not have or at least does not crave that "best friend." Yeah, there are issues that sometimes arise with the idea of best friends, but going against that natural instinct is insane. Just look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs--the third level is love and belonging. Most people find that love and belonging is an intimate thing--not something you find in the large group setting.

I've been part of close-knit, large groups before. And within those groups you will find bonds that exist that are stronger between individuals than those that exist with the group in general.

And then what about gangs? There is a group setting in which members will often talk about being a part because of the sense of "belonging" they have found. Is that really what we want to encourage?

And what about all the kids who are helped because they do have that one person they feel who really cares about them--especially in a society of divorce where children are frequently left feeling unwanted, in the way, or otherwise abandoned? Are we now fighting the essential human instinct to find that one person who truly understands us, cares about us?

Can kids take it too far? Sure. I also know a lot of adults who take their intimate relationships too far as well. But that then leaves the range of healthy relationship. Shouldn't they just be arguing that we teach kids what a healthy relationship should look and feel and act like? Rather than fighting against the entire system of "my best friend"?

Ridiculous!

To Love

I ran across this quote awhile ago, and it got me thinking.

Proactive people show you what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for. These people are very different from those who are known by what they hate, what they don't like, what they stand against, and what they will not do...

This got me thinking because I know people like that--people of whom I can only identify those things they don't like. Those things that bother them. What they don't want, don't enjoy, or don't love.

It's like when I realized I couldn't eat gluten contaminated items any more. I had two ways of looking at the situation:

1. The huge long list of things I couldn't eat any more.
2. The huge long list of things I can eat (or would be able to eat with a little bit of research and experimentation).

So I got to thinking about all the things I do love because I want to be a person who is known for their love and passion in life, not as a pure pessimist (into which hole I can definitely fall at times).

So here you have a random and very incomplete list of loves--very Sound of Music-esque I'm afraid.

1. the ocean
2. the ocean on New Years Eve, particularly when you're around a bunch of hotels so you can see their incredible firework displays and, if you're particularly lucky, the algae that glows in the water
3. puppy dogs
4. cats sitting on the side of the road, watching where you're going, but who are to busy (or snobby) to stop and talk
5. Carmina Burana
6. The adagio of Spartacus and Phrygia from the ballet Spartacus
7. the balcony scene adagio from Prokofiev's Romeo and Juliet.
8. keowneow gaiyang gap somtam (sticky rice, barbecue chicken, and green papaya salad)
9. Thai food of all sorts
10. Naan (Indian bread)
11. The overpowering, hit you in the face feeling of heat upon walking out of the airport when you first land in Bangkok
12. The scene of mint, lime, and cinnamon. Not all together.
13. dark chocolate
14. freshly made brownies smothered in vanilla ice-cream
15. sitting and listening to my dad read the Christmas story on Christmas day
16. playing games with my family
17. being silly with my family
18. dancing
19. lazing with my baby sis
20. cuddling while watching a movie
21. monsoon season
22. snow that is deep enough to go take a fun walk or play in and that stays white
23. roses
24. orchids
25. beautiful gardens
26. sunshine
27. houses with lots of big windows
28. wood floors
29. fireplaces
30. pianos
31. playing the piano
32. going to the symphony
33. getting mail
34. getting emails (not junk mail)
35. babies
36. being pregnant!
37. pillow-top mattresses
38. traveling/vacations to new places
39. going to England
40. going (hiking, wandering, just being in) to the Lake District
41. the smell of new books
42. new spiral-bound journals
43. going out on a date that requires dressing up
44. changing into sweats and other comfy clothes after being dressed up
45. talking until the wee hours of the morning with my husband
46. watching Chris when he's being silly trying to cheer me up
47. the smell of clean laundry
48. the fluffy feel of towels hot from the dryer
49. being read to
50. reading a well-loved book that I've devoured countless times before and will do so countless times more
51. reading a brand new book from an author I love
52. reading a new book from an author I want to explore
53. reading in general
54. writing blogs
55. lolcats
56. Audrey Hepburn
57. classic movies like Gone With the Wind and Casablanca
58. classic musicals like Fiddler on the Roof and
59. having a sparkling clean house
60. lazy Saturdays with nothing to do
61. getting together with friends
62. editing something and making it better than it was
63. cooking and baking
64. trying (and succeeding) at new recipes
65. discovering how to make one of my favorite foods GF
66. riding a bike
67. riding a horse
68. jet skiing
69. snow mobiling
70. hot tubs
71. long, hot baths
72. blue eyes
73. dark red hair
74. stretching
75. road trips—when I get to drive
76. seeing cardinals, especially in the middle of winter
77. being barefoot
78. wearing boots
79. dangly earrings
80. getting a hug
81. discovering someone reads my blog
82. thrift store shopping
83. garage sale-ing
84. doing my budget and having it come out even without a fuss
85. finding an unexpected check or money
86. amazon.com
87. Pandora.com
88. hotair.com
89. an empty ballet studio with only a barre, a mirror, a wooden floor, and me
90. holding hands with my husband
91. distracting Chris when he’s trying to do homework or play a video game, he gets so cute when he’s trying to concentrate and ignore me and failing utterly
92. really good salads
93. going to a park
94. going to historic places (when I know the history)
95. going out for dinner or staying somewhere nice and pretending to be rich and have money to blow (ignoring the coupon or the discounted room that we snagged!)
96. realizing that I don’t have to be rich to be content
97. my wedding ring
98. talking for hours with a good friend
99. eating fruit
100. drinking water
101. being old enough to not be too old for good children’s authors like A.A. Milne, Beatrix Potter, and Michael Bond
102. taking pictures
103. candles
104. Christmas lights
105. popping the bubbles on bubble wrap
106. making soap bubbles
     

OK, I think that’s enough for now. Might come back and add more to that list when I have time.

Salt in a Wound

Have you ever had a cut or bruise where you just keep bumping or reopening it? You know, the paper cut that you just keep catching on something or the bruise that gets bigger because you just had to catch the same corner on your desk again (or in my case, again, again, and again because off of a dance floor, I'm a total klutz).

That's how I feel right now. Ever since we had our miscarriage three months ago, that wound just keeps getting reopened. First I find out that friends of mine are pregnant and I have to deal with the simultaneous joy for them and jealous and sorrow. Then I get to a point where I truly am just happy for them, and they have a miscarriage. And every time I hear that news, it breaks my heart again. Some of it is that I truly can empathize with them, but some of it is just that it's too close to my own pain right now and it reopens all those feelings and thoughts for me that were scabbing over.

How often can this happen? Apparently a lot. And really close together.

And then there's a side of me that just gets angry as I look at one woman I know who is pregnant and doing fine and has been very vocal about the fact that she didn't even want to have another baby. Or the kid who's been mowing our lawn trying to earn money to help support his very young, very pregnant girl who he knocked up.

Salt in the wound.

Vanity--It is All Vanity

Madeline L'Engle reminded me, today, why it might be that God allows many of us to have jobs that can be frustrating to do, puts us in contact with people who are sometimes difficult to work with, or means that you do hours of work for no recognition (or other people get the praise for that work!).

Speaking to those who give a job their focused, highest quality attention, and speaking to those who are apparently much more spiritually developed in this particular area than I sometimes am, L'Engle says the following:

Ah, surely it is vain to think about words of praise. It is permissible for us to be pleased that a job has been well done, but we can't take any personal credit for it. We can only be grateful that the work itself knocks self-consciousness out of the way, for it is only thus that the work can be done.

Getting to that stage where my self-consciousness has been knocked out of the way, there's the rub.