Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Reflections

As I (and many others) frequently do near the end/beginning of the year, I've been reflecting back on the happenings of the last year. And more importantly, my role in those events. Am I becoming more the person I want to be? Am I accomplishing those things that I want (or sometimes feel I should!)? Am I growing ontologically or am I simply running to keep up with the rest of the world?

This past year, I have had a lot of ontological lessons. In particular, the first month of motherhood felt like an almost constant lesson in ontology--being, existing, in the moment. Not planning for the future or dealing with the past, not busying myself with what must be done but just existing, reflecting, gazing, and worshiping. Studying the soft features of my darling daughter, feeling her fingers wrap around my own, the trust in her eyes, so many lessons to be found in those quiet moments.

As life has settled into new rhythms, and more of the humdrum routine issues of "the real world" have snuck back into my life, I've found those moments of just being have become farther apart than I would like. And I find that, other than the sleep deprivation portion of the earlier days of Blueberry, I have a strong desire for a return of those moments. Not just a desire, but a need. Because it was in those moments that I felt I was beginning to grasp some aspects of my Lord and my life that have always alluded me in the past.

I have found myself consciously trying to slow down, not for the sake of selfish pleasure but for the purpose of living, growing, breathing, praying, meditating, and thinking.

My world has been turned upside-down, inside-out, and become all around topsy-turvy this year. Not necessarily a bad thing, as I'm discovering many areas that had become unnecessarily large in my life and other things that had been pushed aside, lost, that need to be a larger portion of my life.

Those roles that have always been mine to fill have shifted around as I became full-time mother, more homemaker, less career-woman, and have tried to find the balance between maintaining being a good wife and filling the needs of a child.

My routines are a jumbled mess that I've been slowly sorting out one piece at a time. Trying to determine the things that really are important vs those things that are not actually necessary (no matter how much my pride may beg to differ).

Even every relationship has come under scrutiny this year. Some relationships that I've just accepted as is in the past might need some pruning or fertilizer. Some relationships I've sought after in the past have lost some value. Other relationships I've let slide have become more important. I've found unexpected love and joy from people I'd never really considered in the past. And I've found unexpected hurt and pain from others.

I find myself more forgiving of some things and less forgiving others. More understanding of some actions and choices of individuals and completely baffled by others.

And overarching all of this is the conscious thought that I can no longer put off some things in my life. I can no longer just accept the status quo in other areas. I must push myself in some ways beyond anything I've wanted to do in the last few years. There are two little eyes watching my every move. A little mind already imitating my actions. And a little personality growing and developing and already becoming opinionated and growing tendrils in certain directions, ready to be influenced by who I am and what I do.

And I find myself praying that I will be up for the challenge.

1 comment:

Hillery said...

That first month with baby can be absolutely earth changing amazing! And you are right, then life creeps back in and you find yourself back in the status quo or rat race, or whatever. Then you long for those days again. I think in some ways this is why women desire to have another baby. To try to recapture those moments and feelings again that only happen in that window of time.

And yet, you are so smart to know that many of thos moments can still be captured, it you just take the time to allow it to happen. I'm there some days, and not others.

You will do a good job with Charlotte. Why? Because you question yourself, push yoursel, and are a continual learner of yourself and baby. You will be a great mom. Oh wait, you already are!