Monday, October 5, 2009

Salt in a Wound

Have you ever had a cut or bruise where you just keep bumping or reopening it? You know, the paper cut that you just keep catching on something or the bruise that gets bigger because you just had to catch the same corner on your desk again (or in my case, again, again, and again because off of a dance floor, I'm a total klutz).

That's how I feel right now. Ever since we had our miscarriage three months ago, that wound just keeps getting reopened. First I find out that friends of mine are pregnant and I have to deal with the simultaneous joy for them and jealous and sorrow. Then I get to a point where I truly am just happy for them, and they have a miscarriage. And every time I hear that news, it breaks my heart again. Some of it is that I truly can empathize with them, but some of it is just that it's too close to my own pain right now and it reopens all those feelings and thoughts for me that were scabbing over.

How often can this happen? Apparently a lot. And really close together.

And then there's a side of me that just gets angry as I look at one woman I know who is pregnant and doing fine and has been very vocal about the fact that she didn't even want to have another baby. Or the kid who's been mowing our lawn trying to earn money to help support his very young, very pregnant girl who he knocked up.

Salt in the wound.

2 comments:

Amber said...

Yes, I understand the sentiment. And it sucks. And from my experience, which is not exactly the same as yours but has similar pains, it gets better and then worse in a continuous everlasting cycle. I hope that is not the case for you, but it has been for me. Love and hugs.

Beth said...

Hanna ~ I love reading you blog. When I read this post, I wanted to cry. I understand the emotions that you are talking about. I myself have not had a miscarriage, but have been trying and failing at getting pregnant. My heart hurts for and with you. Wish we lived closer to each other.