To dance or not to dance

I started my first ballet lessons when I was three years old; although, I believe instinctively I danced from the time I could walk. Just so much easier than walking! 27 years later, I still love to dance. However, life has done it's usual morphing and many things have changed for me in this field.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a professional dancer. As I got older, that dream became that of a professional working in a Christian company to bring the art of dance to a rather (at times) closed door Christian society.


When I was 18, I went off to college to get my degree in English education (bookworking - my second passion!), hoping and praying that dance would stay a part of my life somehow but not sure on the "how." That door did open and I worked all the way through the college as a ballet teacher at a Christian owned studio.


And then I started teaching high school. And within a month, I knew that something had to give. And even more, I felt like God was saying to me, "let go of this. It is no longer for you." And so reluctantly but with the realization that I literally could not both teach school and dance, I let go.


But I've missed dancing so much. I don't really miss performing; I just miss dancing. I miss the smell of the studio, the movement, even my pointe shoes (bloody feet, blisters, and all). While I've tried to keep up at home, it's not been the same at all. There's been a few times when we've had dancers in church, and just watching them has hurt so much because I wanted to be there.


This past spring, an opportunity arose to become a part of a new studio in town that had opened up just a few months before. It's a Christian studio, not just in terms of ownership but in terms of what it is for. The classes start with prayer; the entire focus is for worshiping the Lord through dance. Beautiful.


I was asked if I could get involved in some of the directing of the studio as they had plenty of teachers but there directors were having issues. I prayed about it, Chris prayed, and seperately we both felt that God was saying, "no." So, I turned it down. Since then, obviously some good reasons for why it wasn't right have come forward - namely being that physically I would not have been able to handle it.


However, this past week, I've been offered the position again. And while I've been praying about it, I don't feel like I'm getting a good answer on what to do. Maybe that is my answer, I don' t know. It would be a purely volunteer/ministry kind of thing.


Because I'm a "list" person, I've tried to analyze it as best as I can. But I just don't know. And I need to make a decision - yesterday!



Option 1: Be the Performing Director (choreographer, performance planner, etc) w/o the responsibility of the academic/Studio Director (administrative side - phone calls, bills, etc)

Pros:

• This would allow me to be involved with less of an initial time commitment (Saturdays 2-5 through October, November, and half of December, some planning time but I can set my own hours, performance days (19th of December I believe).


• This would be a good way fo rme to get to know students/parents closely


• I would be dancing again.

Cons:

• I haven't been dancing, other than what i can do at home, for the last few years. I feel out of practice and out of shape.


• I've not been able to really exercise the last few months because of my stomach and how much it's been hurting - totally out of shape in general not just in dance.
• I'm not familiar with the studio yet, and that can make it challenging in choreography (although this is an open audition, so people from all over could audition so I'm not really stuck with 1 style).
• Saturday commitment which means that I really won't have a day off during the week at all because Sunday's always wind up with various home things that need doing.

Random Thought - truthfully, doing this kind of scares me, and I don't know how much that is affecting my view of this option. At this point, although I know I'm qualified, I don't really feel very qualified because of how long I've been out of that world.

Option 2: Studio Director w/o Performing director responsibility

Pros:

• get to know students/parents quickly from all levels not just those performing in show
  not physically demanding
• allow me to get to know the studio/style etc without direct dance involvement

Cons:

• Big time commitment. (minimum Tuesday and Thursdays for 3-4 hours after work; probably need to be there another day as well, plus being able to answer questions, etc throughout the week nearly every day).
• Not actually involved in dancing again (although that could open up in the future).

Other Thoughts:

• I've been praying for the right ministry door to open; is this my door? What about some other thoughts Chris and I have had about ministry opportunities? There's no way I could do something else along with this.
• I'm concerned about how this will affect my health; I'm still not doing all that good - is this going to be beneficial or hurtful?
• I gave up doing my master's program at this time so that I can be more of a support to Chris while he's in school. This is something that's going to take me even more out of the house and out of Chris' life. Big time commitment - possibly very stressful - how will affect the home?
• Looking at the hours/need, I can't help but think they need to hire someone full time for this position. Trying to piece-meal it is only going to hurt the functionality/success of the business.
• Am I supposed to be a part of this world again? If I were just doing administrative type stuff and not actually dancing, would I be okay with that?

So that's it folks. I need to make a decision, and I don't know where to go with this.

HELP! :)

Blue tinted

I've been blue the last week or so. Not a deep, navy blue just blue tinted. It's like seeing the world through "blue tinted" glasses as opposed to rose ones! Nothing is necessarily bad just...blue.

"Why?" you ask. "Why is a woman with an amazing husband, secure home, loving family, caring friends, and two crazily adorable puppies blue tinted?"

Well, answering that question in it's entirety would take far too long than I have time to answer tonight. However, let's just summarize and say that I'm tired of being constantly sick, I feel unsettled and restless for various reasons, and there are things that I want to happen which aren't going to happen for awhile, and I'm not very good with the "patience" thing or the whole "letting God work His timing" thing.

In the last few weeks I keep running into the following Psalm in a lot of different places:

1. Psalm 42
1. As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.

2. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?

3. My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

4. These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

5. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and

6. my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon--from Mount Mizar.

7. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

8. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me-- a prayer to the God of my life.
9. I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"

10. My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

11. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.


It's one of those tried and true "fall back" Psalms used for songs and quoted (at least the first and last parts of it) on posters, bookmarks, and the like. I find sometimes Scripture like this can become very prosaic to me - not that the meaning of the words is any less true or important but that I don't think about them as much because they've become commonplace and easily looked over.

Then last week, over on Bread Crumbs, I read a very apropos blog about Time and trusting in the Lord's timing. Even though she doesn't mention this Psalm in her blog, it got me thinking about the words of Psalm 42 and realizing two things:

1. I don't think I have been putting my hope in God much lately. Oh, sure, I trust Him for the eternal and the big things in life, but I know that I oftentimes get so caught up in the little questions and struggles of life, that I don't even stop to think about having hope in Him for those things. In fact, I think I find it easier to pray and believe in Him for the care of everybody and everything else around me than it is to pray and believe and hope or trust him in things for myself.

Is it pride? To some degree. I don't like being too dependent on other people. Very dangerous and vulnerable position to put oneself into.

Sometimes, however, I think it's more the เกรงใจ ("greng-jai") Thai part of my personality. This term is a very complex term to define mainly because it really has many nuances of meaning and applications in life. In this case though, it's the part of me that at times truly struggles to ask friends, even my husband, for help or time because I don't want to put them out or cause them any inconvenience. In my desire to not "bother" others, my true feelings, needs, frustration, even fears get stuffed deep inside and I just try to move on without asking (or praying) for help. Seeking for hope...

2. The second part of the Psalm that I keep coming back to is the whole "panting after God" thing - the idea of being desperately thirsty and knowing the only thing that can fill that thirst is God.

I'm a big water drinker. In fact, I've gotten to a point in my life where I drink very little else - indeed I only rarely want any other type of substance to drink. Occasionally (think once every few weeks!) I'll have rice milk or juice, but really, water is the only thing that really fills my thirst.

I got here, though, by not drinking other liquids. I used to love juice and milk and drink them all the time. And then a few years ago I really started trying to increase the amount of water I was drinking daily because I know it's good for you (and fewer calories!). Well, over time, water is all I want.

So, using that analogy, why is it I don't thirst after God? I guess because I'm not taking enough time to "drink" of Him.

So back to being blue...

I've realized this blueness is not going to change as long as my hope remains, well, unplaced, and I remain unconsciously dehydrated.

To quote Janna from Breadcrumbs:

"All of us struggle from time to time, in spite of God's Word that says those who wait on God will "soar on wings like eagles" (Isaiah 40:31).

Timing is indeed everything. We need to remember that when we get impatient for things to happen. We need to remember that God's timing is best. He knows all. He sees all. He coordinates all. For that, I'm very thankful. There's no way I can keep track of it all."

And a-CVSing i went.

This week's CVS trip though was probably one of my favorites ever. And, the other charming thing is that our stock piles of toiletries, household items, etc are at the place where if it's not pennies or free, I don't buy it. Because I don't have to! Hee, hee, I love it!


Items bought:

2 - bottles of Dawn dishwashing liquid

1 - 8 pack of Bounty papertowels

3 - Colgate Advanced toothpaste



Out of Pocket - $0.21!



Before coupons, etc my total was $16.22.


The Dawn was on sale for $0.88 each and I had two $0.50 coupons so they became $0.33 each.

The Bounty was on sale for $5.49. No coupons there :(

The Colgate was on sale for $2.99 apiece get 2 ECBS back (limit of 2) and I had two $1.00 coupons making them each free. For the third one, I had a CVS coupon which was expiring this week for $2.00 off that kind of toothpaste plus another manufacturer's coupon making it free as well.


That brought my total to $12.00 (paid for with previous ECBs) and $0.21 was the tax I had left to pay. And, I got $4.00 in ECBs for next week! Ah joys :)