Wednesday, July 11, 2007

My Decision June 30

June 30 4:30am

I have insomnia. While this isn't a continual occurance for me, it does sneak up on me occasionally...and nearly always when I'm stressed or really focused on something major happening. I guess I should have seen it coming, but I always manage to block out the long, restless, sleepless nights until I'm hit with one again. And so I sit here writing, contemplating what it is that is driving my poor, little mind bonkers now!

I put my resignation in with Springfield Schools back in February. This was a decision - also surrounded by many nights of insomina - that was agonizing to make and distinctly life-changing. In turning in that letter of resignation, I essentially took a massive pay-cut, left the field of study I had slaved away in for 4.5 years of college, and wandered off to do - well - I'm not really sure. Granted, I do want to go back into education at some point, but I also want to get my Masters and I have also been in desperate need of a break. Public school teaching is, well, stressful. Not the most positive of environments, very long hours, and politically speaking - incredibly frustrating. The past three years have taught me so much. I have grown as an individual so much - but some of it has not been the positive changes I would have liked. I have found myself become more depressed, cynical, angry, and even bitter. And so I had to leave to not become the bitter, evil teacher that I dreaded ever seeing teach.

The few months between putting in my resignation and finishing out the school year were long - not least because of the number of inquiries I was getting on what was the new job I surely had that would influence me to leave the school. Of course, I had no job. I was walking by faith and much prayer knowing with that ultimate peace that I had made the right decision and was in the Lord's hand, but not having a clue as to what I was doing!

School let out on June 7th, and the following week was full of wedding preparations and final cleaning up days at school. The 16th was my sister-in-law's wedding, and directly following that we left town for a week for a huge family get-together celebrating Chris' grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. In short, I had no time to really job hunt. I had put in an application at the A/G headquarters back in February, but, as anyone who has ever had to deal with that building's human resource department will know, hearing back about jobs from there is a rare and difficult thing to do. Not that there aren't lots and lots of jobs; they are just being processed with a seemingly certain level of incompetancy that rather bewilders me.

Upon our return home, I set about the monumental task of finding a job. Monday and Tuesday, I put in applications at various places and scoured the internet/newspaper for leads. Wednesday, similar idea, except that I received a phone call. An important phone call. I had put my application in at Global University thinking that it would be good to at least have an application on file there, but not really seeing any jobs that I thought I would be suitable for currently. Apparently I was wrong. Their human resource director called me Wednesday to ask me to an interview for a job on Thursday. Thursday I interviewed. It went really well (I hate inteviewing). Friday - 8:45 am - I receive a phone call offering me the job.

And now here I sit, somewhat bewildered, wondering what it is I should do. I have been praying for a good job in the right place for months. Ever since I heard about this job I've been very excited. But of course, my analytical, sceptical brain keeps warning me to not be too excited because really is this the job for me. Is this where God is leading me? Or am I simply deluding myself because I'm relieved that I got a job interview?

Yesterday, I had the nerve-wracking/amazing experience of sitting down and looking at our budget and trying to figure out if what I was being offered was enough to keep up afloat financially and not really affect our lives too drastically. I thought for sure major changes were going to have come to our lives and was prepared to deal with those consequences. And yet, this was the easiest budget caluclating I've ever done. The numbers just fell into place. Yes, we are still taking a large cut to our budget. But in reality, it will not affect our day to day lives hardly at all. We have worked so hard to get out of debt, and the last of the major payments (not counting our house loan of course) will be paid off this month. Even our savings will hardly be touched. I sat and finished figuring and manipulating and caluclating and just stared at the numbers in disbelief. Unless I have screwed up completely somewhere, we are taken care of with ease. How is this possible? I don't know. I showed the numbers to Chris last night, and he felt the same way. I can't see this as just coincidence; the numbers are too perfect...I truly see math as being a realm God works through sometimes, and His hand is all over this.

So, the easy lesson I take from this is that God has not abandoned me, and He will take care of us - whether or not this particular position is the one I am supposed to take.
The hard question still facing me though is just that: do I take this job or not?

Pro's: Christian environment (something I've been praying for); I really liked the people I interveiwed with/would be working with; the money is about average for what I would probably find at any job I'm offered (without God working extraordinary miracles); benefits are included in the job; it is what I've said I've wanted - a 9 to 5 type of job which I can leave at work and come home and have a life (or as will be the real case - come home and work on my masters degree!); advancement opportunities are a very real possibility - not right away, but once I finish that degree I'm in a prime spot to teach again at a higher level and with the content areas I adore; the work is detail, task, data oriented - which truthfullly, I really do enjoy - but it's varied enough that I probably won't get bored; it has a good balance between social vs. self-monitored work - very important for my introverted nature; and the timing is really good.
Cons: the health providers are different than what I've had in the past and I don't know if I can keep my doctor - whom I love and absolutely would be very sad to not have anymore; raises are somewhat random in coming because of the nature of how the university is funded.........................................what else? I don't know.

And so here I sit, looking at the lists and asking myself what to do........Is this the next leap I have to take to get on with this adventure God has convinced me to take, or is this simply a reminder from God that He is handling everything and not to fret because He will take care of me along the way.

I have till Monday to make up my mind.

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